2008 year end reflection

After reading my sister's blog entry on the 15 things she did that matters to her, i have decided to do the same here in my blog.

This is the list of 15 things i have done that matters to me in my life

1. Giving birth to my daughter and becoming a mother

2. Getting married to my husband

3. Pursued my degree while working full time in my 20s

4. Getting to spend the last few years of my beloved dog zacky's life together

5. Not giving up, still marching on to fulfil my desire of having a second child thru IVF

6. Finding faith in Christ

7. Having a good relationship with my parents, my sister and my brother

8. Having Leo and Merlin the pekingeses as my pets

9. Re-entering the workforce after being sahm, In a way, have proven to myself of my Independence

10. Had shared my growing up years with 3 pet dogs.. Zacky Bobby and Brandy.

11. Maintaining good friends, few but real friends

12. My desire to be a better person for others and redefining that definition this year to being a better person for myself so i can be better for others..

13. Supportive of my husband's career move to have his own practice

14. My unfailing attempt to want to improve things that matters to me like my appearance, health, relationships, life skills, lifestyle, knowledge, wisdom and faith.

15. My husband, my daughter, my mom, my dad , my sister and my brother are the most important people in my life and thankful that they are all doing well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

stood on both sides of the field

over the months, i have came to find support with some fertility bloggers on the internet. some who started roughly a year ago on this ivf journey.. cycling with me through one of my ivf cycles.. are now about to deliver their babies soon. people like them give me hope that one day, the nest within my belly will be filled with life..But, at the same time, its tough being on the ' empty nest side'. 

i am battling secondary infertility since i already have a beautiful girl, and its still tough. 

Having said all these, there is no testimony if there is no test. I hope i will be able to give a beautiful testimony here in a future not too far away from now.

I feel that i have grown up with these experiences..  

A meaningful link

Remembering the true meaning of Christmas.

http://www.lordsprayermovie.com/

Some updates

My period finally came after estimated of 6 weeks post ectopic surgery. It came on the 15th Dec. Assuming its regulated now, I will have 2 more regular cycles before i begin IVF in Feb 09.

Yesterday,I went for my lasik to correct my vision. :)

So inconclusion , i have began working on every item i mentioned in the list below. And have completed some...

I am giving myself a pat on the back for making changes.

things i plan to do before 2008 ends

1. Go to the dentist for annual checkup/cleaning

2. Lasik Surgery to correct my eyesight

3. Go to the gym 3 times a week

4. Diet portion control

5. Eat a fruit everyday

6. Consciously put my expectations aside and treat my husband with more love and concern

7. Learn how to read the bible in a systematic way so i can one day complete it.

8. Put in more attention of my outer appearance.

9. Take supplements

10. Be at peace completely with where i am now

The IVF Train

This morning, I prayed that my morning will be filled with peace and happiness. I am sick of feeling down in the dumps. I have been having a mug of beer every now and then to sooth my entangled nerves. I only allow myself 1 mug a day as i have to take care of my body for the next IVF cycle. Hopefully, i wont be needing to calm my nerves with alcohol really soon.

Begin on a long IVF journey is like trying to catch a train, just that the train doesnt stop for me.. I have to run and try to jump on the moving train.

Some occasion , I didnt catch up with it and was left behind waiting for the next train.

some times, I ran and jumped onto the speeding train, only to fall out of the train before i could find myself a place to sit.

And sometimes, I managed to get on board, found a cozy seat, made some pregnant friends on the train who were also heading to babyland station... but only to be thrown out of the moving train at high speed. This was the case of my ectopic.

Will i ever reach babyland again? Do i dare run after a train again? .... I must and i have to.. My 2nd child is waiting for me at the end of the train journey, its a destination i have to reach.

For the year 2009, should Feb cycle not work out, i will try again in June, and if that didnt work out.. I will try again in Oct. Thats my plan for 2009.

Meanwhile, waiting for the next train, I can either wait with fear and sadness with emotional baggage from my previous ectopic experience, or soak in the warmth of the sun, do some exercising and live some life... and look forward with anticipation. My choice.

I ha vent posted here for a while, not because i didn't think of doing so and hadn't visit my own blog. Its just that each time i want to write an entry, it ends up looking and feeling pathetic.

Anyway, some updates. I am in this strange twilight zone where my emotions swing like a pendulum. One moment i am fine, the next moment i feel like the whole world is against me and that i am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen on me. I am very short-wired in temper and feel like nobody in the world cares if I pass on tomorrow. I guess i was in a state of post-ivf-ectopic-surgery-depression.

My relationship with my husband is affected too. I expected him to be my pillar and make me feel better about myself and about the whole thing. And at the same time be able to pacify, comfort and attend to my bruised feelings. I am disappointed.
It makes me realise that I am in control and fully responsible of my own happiness.
I still love my husband alot and i know he loves me too. Well, many articles mentioned about relationship strain as part of the post ivf failure issues, i thought it was crap.. until this round of IVF. I need to overcome this depression and be myself again.

My daughter is down with fever and diarrhea, i have been worried and lack of sleep.
Today she is better. I am glad.

Spanish Song to bring you somewhere else in the world

In the process for looking for a breathe of fresh air .. I was introduced to this wonderful Spanish band Mana and its hit 'Rayando el Sol'. i have included the song in my blog.

The world is such a big place, .. somewhere in another beautiful place and another lovely culture... A love song tune that reminds me that there are so many spectrum and new things in life i havent explored. That life itself is bigger than the cocoon i have unconsciously built around me, and how i have let infertility 'super glued' me to this 'confinement'. Lets listen to this Spanish song together while you are here in my blog.

Some translation of part of the lyrics :

Rayando el sol, oeooo desesperación...
es más fácil llegar al sol que a tu
corazón oooo me muero por ti oeooo

It's easier to get to the sun/to be near the sun..then get close to your heart

am i bipolar or what

There is something magical about early morning breeze that makes you remember everything wonderful in your life. I was sitting at my desk this morning feeling pretty despondent, and then I got a whiff of the early morning fresh air that lead to the listening of birds chirping. I breathed that air in as if it was the last I would ever have.

Then i got transported back to my current existance. I know they say that God will never give you more than you can bear...but I'm pushing my limit now. Something got to give soon. I've tried positive-thinking, pretend it doesn't exist, grin and bear it, smile and the world smiles with you thoughts, but now,I'm just tired, tired, tired. And my face hurts from forcing the smile through all the tears.

The 3rd cycle IVF wait

Planning to begin my next antagonist protocol IVF on the begining of my 3rd menses cycle. So... what am i going to do from now to make my body all ready for it? I have tried TCM, Accupunture, DHEA... all benefitted me somewhat.

This time, I need a breathe of freshair. I am considering going au natural... A friend of mine recommended that i look for a naturopath. Its something i havent considered before and totally new to. I will be researching more on naturopath and infertility and will share with you my findings in the next few post. This is going to be fun.

A few things I think its compulsory during this wait.

-regular exercise to build up health
- fruits and vegetables
- vitamin C, E and folic
- wheatgrass
- enough sleep
- less stress
- positive thoughts

I am looking forward to doing all the above and will need to come out with a schedule for my game plan. :)

12 new things i plan to do

1. Shift my bedroom's furniture to a completely new arrangement. (done that yesterday)

2. Begin healthy eating and portion control

3. Take Omega 3 oil, folic acid, vitamin C, vitamin E for supplement

4. Throw out things that's taking up space in my drawers. the ones i don't need and not used for years.

5. Read a good story book from beginning to the end and really let my imaginations bring me away to the plot like how things was before all these struggles with fertility. ( do recommend me some good ones that you think i should read )

6. Enroll my daughter in a once or twice a week enrichment centre. She is 2 yrs 4 months now.

7. Begin exercise once my surgery area heals completely.

8. Bring bmi down to between 21 to 23.

9. Be positive, smell the flowers and learn how to reabsorb mini pleasures in life.

10. Take the Christmas Tree out of the box and decorate it.

11. Consciously seek out what I have not sought out before. Be open to new experiences, new sources of information.

12. Have Faith in God's plan.

i think im depressed? I like to think im healing

Yesterday i went back to work as there was a deadline for a proposal to be submitted. When i got back to the office. My desk has been taken over by the new general manager they hired. Let me give you some background understanding, I am a graduate who decided not to continue with a full time career for the sake of work live balance. I am hired by this company as a contract hourly paid worker, they told me i will be in charge of the operations manager portfolio of the charity organization. I work 2 days a week.

When the new full time staff walked into the office, she told me my seat is assigned to her now. I said to her" are you saying I'm bumped out of my desk" she said, yes since you are here on part time basis. I decided to end the war there and started packing my files and stuffs and computer files and let her have that seat. Honestly, i am just too exhausted from my pregnancy lost and surgery to react to this. There were no available computers left in the office and no desk space too. So i went around looking for computer parts (cpu sitting at the corner, monitor at the other, wires etc) Good thing i know how to fix up a computer, I sat on the floor of the mini library where there is a desk space for me there.. and set up the computer to working condition. Then i dust off a layer of dust from the table, set aside the old newspaper cuttings and arrange my files nicely on my make shift new desk space. The new manager felt bad and came to offer help and i told her calmly " don't you worry, it isn't your fault, its just that the situation is such and we'll make do with it"

I told my husband about what happened and he told me that maybe the boss wanted me out now that they finally hire a full timer. I told him that they dont need to do that because my contract has ended and they just need not renew it if they want me to leave, they just given me a renewal. Then he concluded that thats how things are if you are a hourly paid person, the organization always treats a full time worker with more value and commitment. I told him his words aint making me feel better. All i wanted was him to speak gently with comfort and maybe suggest something sweet to do later. Anyway i got the proposal done and submitted yesterday. I left the office at 4.30pm to drop off the proposal at the donor's office. After i dropped it off, I walked pass a very crowded temple along waterloo street. The temple praying area spread to the outside of the main entrance. I was overwhelmed with a sudden sadness and neediness and felt drawn to go in and cry my eyes out. I left.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad. Husband and I went for a short walk and i felt frustrated with him for making me feel so alone. I sat by my condominium pool and felt tears in my eyes. So here am i now, I think its part and parcel of the grief process.

My dog is a pig!

A couple of months ago, I adopted a 5 years old pekingese. His name is Merlin, he was given up twice by 2 owners and stayed in a petshop for a long time. He is a pretty local pekingese and i felt sorry for him so i decided not to buy a puppy and adopted him instead. I now know the reason why he was given up twice. He got a wonderful sweet personality, but is always mildly cautious and stiffens up when carried, thats ok for me, i can understand why. BUT its this other reason that i know caused his pathetic plight, HE SNORES LIKE A PIG WITH MICROPHONE! I mean it! i tolerated him for months sleeping right beside me in the airconditioned bedroom of mine as i didnt want to chase one dog out while my other get to sleep in with me. But let me tell you, Merlin really snores really loudly, he snores louder than my dad whom is the loudest snorer i know of. In fact, merlin's snoring can be heard 2 closed door rooms away. So for the first time last night, I decided to not let merlin into my bedroom, he barked half the night, scratched on my door the other half and what ever left over time that he's asleep, his snores echoed through my closed door! Anyway, he's a lucky dude i've made a commitment to keep him the day i took him home.


Ok, enough said about this pigdog of mine. This is a photo of the culprit.

Sunshining morning

Every morning, i wake up feeling a little better. Today is one such morning. This incident did not deter me from believing in my baby dreams. I think in some cosmic way, it made me more receptive to the good things i already have in my life.

Trying to understand..

I still couldnt bring myself to write about my ectopic experience because each time i try, i will choke up in tears. Right now, my mind is in a fog and my heart is fill with guilt of allowing the surgery to be done to remove that beating heart.Do i have a choice really?

Someone left me a poem on my comments page, it stirred my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I have cut and paste it here in this entry to share it with all mothers who has lost an unborn child.

I miss my baby that i have no chance to hold in my arms. The sound of the beating heart that i hear on 4th Nov will forever be ingrained in me and left a footprint in my heart.

-------------------------
What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this,
God. I want my baby here.
" He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear. "

I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home and
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me
one day and know you've always been one."

Broken pieces

Be patient with life,

despite its cruelty.

Often it seems careless of our pain,

But just as often brings us hope again.

My unborn child is right now in heaven and one day I will come face to face and be reunited. Please forgive me for what i did.

I will continue, IVF #5 in feb 09'.

meanwhile, i am picking up the broken pieces..

finding strength in the comfort in well wishes.

A cruel twist

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life.

I had my scan and saw a beating heartbeat.

The ultrasound lady face turned grim.

It was ectopic pregnancy.

Doctor told me it can be life threatening and i need surgery immediately.

Was advise to remove my fallopian tube and risk the potential malfunctioning of my ovaries.

Decided against it and went to Gleneagles hospital for more scans to make sure its not a cruel joke.

After 4 scans at 4 different labs. I went in for surgery to remove the child i fought so hard for.

Managed to save my fallopian tube.

I went from joy, to delusion to hysterically sad, to numbness now over the past 24 hours.

My pregnancy is over.

423am on a sleepless night

I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 2.30am. I have been tossing and turning in bed and just couldnt get myself to sleep. I was dreaming about a meeting i had yesterday in the office with a group of theatre production folks and i woke up worrying about the steep quotation they have given me and how if this fund raising theatre event will be successful or not. I couldnt get it off my mind, so i watched some television, still it didnt work..so i turned off the lights and tried to sleep again. My mind wondered off and begin worrying about other things, like the IT project that im handling at work and how everything cost money for the charity organization and how i can help lower the expenses. I worried about the bad economic news and the recession. Then i began to worry about not being able to carry my daughter these past weeks and if my daughter will feel neglected etc. I just couldnt stop my mind from worrying worrying worrying.... I feel so inadequate and insecure now I want to dig a hole and hide myself.

Having said all these, I know why i am awake now in the middle of the night.. It is because in roughly 3.5 hours time. I will know if my pregnancy is viable or not after the scan. It is the main source of my restlessness and every other worries i am experiencing at this moment are just a manifestation of that 1 big anxiety.

I look at my dogs sleeping on the floor in my bedroom and i wondered what is going through their minds, maybe they can sense my anxiety.. maybe they r just little naive creatures blessed to be free from worries and stress unlike us human beings.

I feel like crying now. I dont know how to cope with this feeling i am having now. I guess the way i feel right now is due to the fact that i have had a previous miscarriage before and i fear having to go through it again. I fear it more than IVF itself..x 10000 times.

Dear heavenly father, please let things go smoothly tomorrow and bless me with a smooth 9 months pregnancy and a healthy child ...

My 6 weeks scan is scheduled tomorrow at 8am. I am so very scared of any setbacks. I think my weak heart wont be able to withstand a blow. Please let my unborn child be healthy and growing well.

My blog has a new look!

I gave my blog a new look. I hope you like it as much as I do. It got a fresher, sweeter, brighter look than the previous dark blue one. I hope the cheery template will brighten your day too.
I did pull a few hairs trying to get it all working correctly. :) Do drop me a message or 2 to let me know I haven't dropped off your radar. :)

I am 6 weeks pregnant today. I am feeling good today and am looking forward to seeing my baby's heartbeat on scan screen soon.

Some early pregnancy symptoms I encountered so far are:
1. Fatigue! I am comatose by 10pm each night.
2. Restless nights; i wake up to pee, i wake up at the sound of my dog's snoring (btw, my dog snores loudly), I wake up at 5am and watch tv to coax myself to sleep again.
3. My pee stinks
4. My gum bleeds when i brush
5. I get hungry very easily and when im hungry i feel uncomfortable.
6. I am alot more emotional lately

baby boy or baby girl better?

I was browsing the singaporemotherhood forum yesterday and i came across a very disturbing entry. Its about this first time mom who remarked that she cried for days when she discovered she was carrying a girl fetus. Her baby is 5 months old now and she said in her entry that she cant love the baby much because of the baby's gender. This entry is written in 2008 by a modern city lady of an unknown race. I felt so disturbed after reading it. I begin to ask myself if somehow she has been conditioned by remarks made by family or friends that a boy child is better than a girl child. Isnt it a mother's duty and nature to love the child regardless of gender?

I need to relate my own personal true experience to you with regards to my first child. When i was pregnant with my first child back in 2005/2006, after all the IVF challenges has settled with a bfp and the 1st trimester went by smoothly.. I began to ponder what sex of a child i would prefer. My family and relatives and even strangers would remark i should have a boy and how its important to have a boy. To be really honest, I felt quite pressurised by these remarks made and I thought to myself maybe its better to have a son and that a son is a better choice.

My husband in fact was the one that was completely unaffected by other's remarks.. and said wholeheartedly that he will really be very happy having a son or a daughter.

During my scan to find out the baby's sex, when i was told i am expecting a girl. I am happy but my happiness was stained with fear that i have somewhat disappointed the old folks of my family. But very quickly within the next few hours, i am already falling in love with my unborn daughter and thought of millions of reasons to myself how in fact... i love having a girl. Like dressing her up, etc.. I love my daughter so much i would give up my life for her now. And i thank God for giving me such a wonderful perfect gift for me. Btw, my fears were uncalled for,my daughter is well loved by the grandparents on both side.

Having said that, I continue to encounter sexual discrimination of my next child's gender. I will still get occasional remark from strangers that i should have a son next. It still put me in an awkward position hearing such lame remarks.

I owe it to my unborn child that I will completely ignore such remarks and will not subject myself to the pressure of gender preference. After going through this much to have a pregnancy, it will be darn stupid and silly and ungrateful of me to not guard my mind towards lame remarks of people who are close or not to me. I dont see why a girl is more inferior than a boy. I dont see why anyone should encourage such a discriminating thought.

So, I am writing this down right now. I will be equally happy.. Really happy .. to have a healthy girl or a healthy boy... and the gift of child will be perfect as it is.

Some thoughts to share

Was browsing the internet when i came across this statement that i find meaningful

"There is no greater strength on earth than a heart's will to persevere"


Here is a great site that showcase unairbrushed real shapes of a mother...
Interesting and worth a visit! .. http://theshapeofamother.com/

feeling so tired today

Its 1.30pm today and i just finished my lunch. I ate wanton noodles and a slice of swiss roll. Feeling really tired now, falling a sleep... dozing. dozzing.. zzzzzzzzzzzz

If beta doubles up nicely, my beta level should be in the thousands now. I am so looking forward to my 6 weeks scan scheduled on the coming tuesday. 7 more days and counting now..

Its public holiday today. Its deepavali, indian's new year celebration.
I found this great pregnancy calendar that helps to keep track of pregnancy progress.
Love it..http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-calendar.php?id=8837

Saturday's meal
-nonya dumpling for breakfast
-gingko barley drink
-chicken porridge x 2 bowls
-dinner at ponggol choon seng at changi
rice
red wine ribs
crispy duck wrap
mee hoon
veg
tofu

Sunday's meal
- 2 slices of wholemeal toast with jam for breakfast
- tim sum + nasi briyani (shared) at vivocity for lunch
- mum's homecooked food
rice
soup
veg
braised pork
curry fish

A previous miscarriage ( over a year ago)

I feel like talking about my previous miscarriage ordeal today. So that you can understand how anyone who been through a miscarriage will feel when they are pregnant again, especially during the 1st trimester. and every moment of a smooth pregnancy is truly a blessed moment itself.

In mid 2007. When i felt ready for IVF again after my girl was 1yr plus, I got a positive which ended in a miscarriage. It happened around the middle of 5th week of pregnancy. I started bleeding, it started with light bleeding which quickly progress to heavy bleeding with clots and cramps. I bedrested for an entire week during the bleeding, only to get up to go to A&E to do scans and were given progesterone injections. After one week of heavy bleeding, the verdict was gloomy... The sac was almost coming out and my cervix was dilated, that fateful night, while i was showering... a big reddish whitish clot in the size of a ping pong ball flowed out of me.. and landed on the floor. I miscarried. I cried my heart out.. The trauma of a miscarriage is very real and very painful and is stuck in my mind forever.

Right now, I am on my 5th week of pregnancy. I am so very scared for reasons you can understand why. I am obsessively checking my panties for any sign of blood stains, and i feel a great sense of relief each time i see clear.

God,please let my pregnancy be a smooth successful one this time, protect my unborn child from any harm, bless the unborn child with health and growth.

Living

Its time to take stock of my overeating. i am going to write down what i eat from yesterday onwards to help keep track and be in control.

Friday 24/10/08
For breakfast @ Delifrance
- half a chicken baquette
- half a bowl of mushroom soup
- a cup of camomile tea

For lunch @ Kuriya Japanese set consist of
- hot plate beef and tofu.
- 1 bowl of rice
- 1 bowl of miso soup
- 1 chawamushi
- 2 pieces of tempura
- a slice of orange

For dinner @ foodcourt
- chicken ipoh hor fun

Pills:
Utrogestron vaginally x 2 time a day
Duphaston x 2 times a day
Folic
Baby Aspirin
Vitamin C
Vitamin E
Fish Oil

Its time for my 2 pekingese dogs to be groomed, sending them to the groomer's instead of doing it myself this time. Dont want to be exerting myself in a forward bend position for extended duration.

My daughter's potty training is coming along quite successfully, she is able to indicate her desire to pee in the potty now. :)

As for me, I am doing ok. Just feeling really chubby from all the stress eating lately. In fact, i have put on 2.5kgs (5 pounds) over a short 1.5 months. Need to watch my intake.. my plan will be to monitor very closely my food intake over the next week and modify the unhealthy part and try to improvise it a healthier, less glutton-driven diet.

beta doubling time

My 2nd blood test result is 611. My doubling time is 34hours. My progesterone level is 550 or 17.5. My beta doubling time is faster than the average doubling time.
I feel very consoled and assured now.

Here is a link that helps calculate how many heartbeats has your child taken so far.
From the link, my 20 days old embryo's heart will start beating in 2 days time.
http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-heartbeat-calculator.php

I am sitting at Delifrance cafe's computer terminal at kkivf right now as I am typing this. Went for my beta hcg blood test and progesterone test this morning. I should know if my beta is doubling nicely or not by 2pm later today. KK hospital is one place that you can see many preggies around, I look at these women as very fortunate people... how successful they are as a woman to be able to carry that big tummy and how their chubbiness is so acceptable. I hope I will be blessed with a growing belly and a healthy pregnancy. It will be fun to be rolly polly and to walk like a duckie again.

I feel that. ..like education graduation... career advancement...marriage... pregnancy is also itself a very rewarding milestone. Now that i am a mother of 1 sweet girl and mother-to-be to one unborn little bean in my tummy..I am already feeling like the most fortunate woman on the planet. When i was younger, I always asked myself what is the meaning of life... I stopped asking myself that when i became a mother... from that very moment on.. the meaning becomes clear.

Will I do IVF again for a third child? I cannot rule that out yet. It is a possibility in the future. But lets not think about it now. Lets just have good thoughts about my ongoing pregnancy now.... good vibes to you little unborn child..... good vibes to you...

Worry Toad

My joy was quickily stained with fear.
I try to encourage myself to think only positive thoughts but deep inside.. i am so scared out of my wits right now ... remembering my previous miscarriage experience and worrying like crazy if the same shit will happen to me again. I guess that makes me a scarred woman.

Everything worries me, right now, my ceasarian scar is itching and i wonder why is that so.

Tomorrow morning, i am going to get my blood drawn again and have my doubling time checked. I need to get a grip and not fear so much.

I read somewhere that an indication of possible miscarry, other than sign of bleeding... is a slow doubling time. A low starting beta is common and does not indicate anything bad... I am trying to pacify myself real hard with these information. In fact, I consulted a gynae and he told me not to interpret too much of beta hcg level in such early stages.. and that one beta level test does not tell anything much.


Initially i was really hoping for twins.. but now , with my not very high beta levels of 231.. all i want is a healthy baby that i can give birth to.

That will be perfect to me... 1 healthy unborn child waiting to pop out of oven 9 months from now.

Beta Blood Test Result in

I am officially pregnant. :) BFP

The beta blood test confirms it.

My beta level is 231 on 18day past retreival.

My beta level is not super high but its not low enough to have my clinic worrying too.

I am sure 1 embryo implanted.

So my next appointment with the clinic is for my 6 week scan scheduled early november.

Since i am such a worry toad, I will definitely be going to get my blood checked again for consistent doubling time in the next few days. Really hope this pregnancy is viable and wont slip away from me.

Blood Test 's tomorrow!

i called up my ivf clinic to bring forward my beta blood test by one day. So tomorrow morning (16dp2dt) , i will be doing my blood test at kkivf and should know my beta level by 2pm the same day. I am praying for a high beta level.

After the blood test, i plan to take the shuttle bus to bugis junction and walk across to the national library to spend some time browsing the wide wide collections of books. I really enjoy our libraries for its great selection of books, updated facilities and nice cozy atmosphere.

There is this great website full of beta information, www.betabase.info .

And for detailed information on embryo development, its www.visembryo.com .

I have craving for certain dishes.. like xiao long bao with lots of vinegar dips, lor mee with lots of vinegar, kway chap with the sourish chilli... Yum yum. In fact i have been eating alot and i feel like a piggy now. The fact my digestive system seem to have gone a strike isnt helping much too.

Oh, i peed on another stick for the fun of it just now. The second line became visible immediately... :) I have a new found love with pee sticks.

So relieved but still in a daze

I kept wondering what i was going to blog about should this time be a bfn. So much so that i havent thought of what i am going to write if i get a bfp. I am very very happy to be an example of how rewards can come later in the game. (For my case, after a miscarriage and 2 previous bfn) So my dear readers who are trying multiple IVF times and to those who are facing an obstacle during your IVF process or those of you who been dealt with the bfn card... Please do not give up.... there is always hope and its aint over till the fat lady sings.

Now that I have 'graduated' from the hpt test. My next target is to get a good beta doubling time and look forward to my first six week's scan. I am very hopeful but also scared as now that i have graduated to a next stage.. there are new stages to aim for and new targets to reach in this nine months journey to birthing of the child.

Right now, I just want to immerse myself in this lovely ambience of bfp. I just want to enjoy every moment of it. I have waited for this day and i want to embrace it.

Hugs to every readers and every lovely soul that left comments on my blog. You are an additional strength to me to reach this stage.

I get to put a pregnancy ticker finally!

Finally...... BFP!

I woke up with a jolt at 4am this morning. I dreamt that all the pee sticks went negatives on me and I sat in the car crying my lungs out.



I sheepishly crawl out of bed and walked into the bathroom to use the last remaining digital pregnancy test (2 in a box). The first one that i used registered ' negative' a couple of days back.



I peed and waited and waited and 2 minutes later. What i saw made me pinched myself to be sure i am truly awake and not dreaming.......... This is what i see. " PREGNANT" , BFP!!!



YEAH!!!!! My long awaited BFP is here. Thank you God...thank you with all my heart.

Comfort eating

I did 2 more home pregnancy tests and they are still positive at the moment. My emotions are all over the place today. One moment i am almost certain im pregnant, and next a deep sense of lost.

Food and prayer was what kept me going today. I ate at Din Tai Fung for lunch. I had fried rice, dan dan noodles, 2 cold dishes and 1 basket of xiao long bao (shared with my hubby).

For dinner, i ate curry fish head, fried small squid and kai lan vegetables with big bowl of rice.

Tonight, i will try to sleep well. I shall leave here with the serenity prayer which i thought is very meaningful at moments like this;

Deja vu

Deja vu. There are 2 lines, but inconclusive.

Had the same experience roughly around the same time during the previous 2ww.

In case you would like to know what i am talking about.

http://ivfsingapore.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-blog-was-really-meant-to-have-fairy.html

Please dont be happy for me yet. I beg that you pray for me instead.

I am very stressed out right now. I did one yesterday ( the bottom one) and did one again early this morning. Both of them are different brands. The one i did yesterday was much darker line than the one I did today.

A few things can happen:

1. I am not pregnant. The pregnyl is wearing off since today is 3 days after my 1000unit low dose booster shot.

2. I am pregnant. The pregnyl is wearing off faster than my beta hcg can climb.

3. Its 2 different brands and may have different minimum detection level, so the tone of the lines cannot be interpreted at all.

I 'feel' pregnant' this round. I have a good feeling of it. But I cant help being very cautious for the sake of self preservation.

Conclusion is : I am very miserable now. Today is the hardest day of the entire IVF cycle.

i bought HPT

i did it. i went out and bought those peesticks..

11dp2dt

I cannot believe i have almost reached the end of my 2 ww. I am so excited and at the same time really darn frightened by the idea of peeing on a stick. I did a pregnyl booster shot of 1000 units just day before yesterday so its very likely that the pregnyl is still in there. But i am so so so so tempted to hpt! So much so that I dont dare to step out of the house today ( my off day) to go to the mall to do some banking. I am very sure temptation will take over me and i will zombie my way into the pharmacy to buy tons of hpts and start my testing today.

I do have some symptoms.

- slightly sore boobs and nipples
- hungry all the time
- wakes up in the middle of the night to pee
- thirsty all the time
- tired
-slightly nauseous if i go hungry
- slight cramping
- bloatedness

Unsure if its progesterone induced mock symptoms or the real thing. -

Cant hurry readiness

Fertility treatment is like a marathon, if you are mentally unready to run, it makes every step harder, alot harder. But if you are mentally set... then its a much easier journey. I am a 'ivf marathon' runner. Been running and had meet 3 bfn high walls.. but still am running. I can only do this not because my desire for a child is more than others, and not because i am less immune to disappointment than others.. But its because i am mentally ready for the run. So , my take is.. you cant hurry readiness, you will know when you are ready,I believe it wont take too long before you start running too.. because you are googling for fertility blog!

i am always hungry lately

I think worrying takes up energy, I was so hungry today. The one good thing about 2 week's wait is that dieting is the last thing in my mind. And eating protein and satisfying myself in a gastronomic way take precedence.

For dinner, I went to Aston's at east coast. i had prime ribeye with baked potatoes and house salad as side. Had a mushroom soup which i find it way too bland, I ended up shaking lots of salt in it. i topped the meal off with a basket of garlic bread. I enjoyed my steak.

During my dinner, my conversation with my hubby was about 'to do or not to do hpt this weekend'. We calculated that if the half time of pregnyl is 33 hours. It will take 6 to 7 days to completely clear out of the system. Gosh, this waiting is a torture, it sure makes me hungry. And speaking of which, I am munching on a red bean nonya cake now.

Consolation is, at least this 'torture chamber ' that i am in let me indulge gastronomically.

I found the perfect 2 words describing 2 week's wait

TORTURE CHAMBER

question from the comments page

This morning, I received a comment asking some questions on IVF which i thought I would share here.

Question from commenter f:
Hi, i stumbled upon your blog when looking around for IVF in Singapore. I am 26 and my husband is 27. We have been trying for the past 1.5 years, with 8 cycles of Clomid and 1 cycle of IUI.The IUI failed and I had a very early miscarriage at bout 5 weeks with my first cycle of Clomid. My hubby wants us to try IVF.

How much did u spend in total and who did u go to?
My biggest concern is the emotional strain this will put on our relationship. Any advice?

Dear f, this is my answer:
The cost for IVF in KK hospital is typically around $6k to $8k.
NUH is about $1k to $2k more than kk.

The cost for IVF in a private clinic varies a bit more, typically $12k and above.

The government allow us to use medisave for the first 3 rounds. $6k, $5k and $4k respectively for 1st,2nd and 3rd round.

Recently, government allow IVF subsidy of up to 50% of up to 3k for up to 3 rounds of IVF.

Facing the struggles of conception is a challenge, no matter if you have chosen IUI or IVF or any other path. Btw, I read that IUI requires 3 or 4 tries to maximum success rate. I recalled seeing a graph on it somewhere. For many of the IVF cyclers, IUI is not an option because of the type of infertility condition. Do check with you doctor if you should continue with IUI or go to IVF straight.

Personally, I feel that IVF gives hope to my marriage. If there is no such thing as IVF for me, I may feel at the end of the rope. IVF gives both my husband and I hope of a family. I think choosing to do IVF when you are mentally ready will be the next best thing. All the best for your decision making.

4 more days before I do a HPT

I am so full! I had dinner at Lagoon Food Village with my family. We had fish ball noodles, fried oysters, BBQ chicken wings, BBQ stingray, salted duck soup and rice, finished off with refreshing sugarcane drinks.

Afterwards, we went to the seaside for a stroll, my daughter enjoyed herself running around and looking at the ships nicely lit up across the horizon. The east coast stretch of beach is rather lovely in the night with nice breeze and tinted lights. As i held hands with my daughter, I wonder to myself of the possibility that i may already be pregnant with her sibling. Such a wonderful feeling.

We got into the car and realised that my daughter and I stepped on some dung, it was stinking up the car. Luckily we had some water to wash the souvenir off the bottom of our shoes. There is a saying that if you accidentally step on poo, it will bring one good luck.

6dp2dt

I am sitting in the resting lounge at my husband's workplace right now as he is off to do some work. I read through some of my old entries while i was in my 2ww of my previous cycle. I note that the real anxiety came the moment i took the home pregnancy tests 12 or 13 days post egg retreival. I hope i will find the courage to not take a home pregnancy test until at least, this saturday. My beta blood test at the clinic is scheduled 23 october, that is like 19 days from my egg retreival or 17 days post transfer.

As for symptoms, I feel a little crampy around the abdomen area..around the ovaries. I feel like my taste buds changed and also i feel a little nauseas since yesterday. It might be the utrogestan, it could also means my embryos have implanted and my body is experiencing slight changes. I sure hope its implantation.

Pray for me.

Everyday news on the papers

Everyday now, you hear of a piece of economic bad news. As the days goes by, we wonder how these news is going to impact us everyday people and we somehow worry how our assets and investments going to be. With the news of the foreign currency dip (namely Aussie dollars), one of my currency investment portfolio is depreciated by 30%.. just like that. I am not too worried about the depreciation as my plan is long term.

As we face more news of an unstable economy, i cant help but to ask myself what is truly important to me. I pause and i think and i know the answer clearly. It is all about relationships. The world may turn upside down, but as long as I have my family, my husband, my daughter, pregnancy and the Lord watching over us. I am a complete woman.

Just not too long ago, I recalled flipping through the local papers and being bombarded by the same depressing news. I think that was not many years ago, and i remember i would hunt for that piece of little good news, like how a child was saved or a good deed done.. and i would immerse myself in that goodness.

This time, I promise i will try to be a supportive and understanding wife to my husband who brings home the bigger dough for the family. I pray that during these times, we all learn about love and sharing, about giving and believing in our daily lives.

Its another few more days before i know if this 4th round of ivf worked or not. At the meantime, i should enjoy feeling hopeful and not be ridden with worrying of the outcome. After all, this 2ww may be as close as i can get to feeling pregnant again... if its unsuccessful.

You know, one of the lessons that i gained out of these long ivf journey.. other than patience .. is my relationship with God. I remember being really happy when i had my first bfp, and i was so thankful to God. Then while trying for my second child, I am bumped with miscarriage and bfns.. and each time i get angry and felt like God has forsaken me. I doubted my own trust level in the Lord, I asked myself if i have just believe a bit harder that God is going to grant me a BFP this time , then the cycle wouldnt have fail.. or i would have miscarriage. I went through the whole notion of being very prayerful to feeling of dejection and forsaken.. I could not understand why Lord would let me suffer. Now, I have a renewed relationship with the Lord. I have a deep unshakable Faith in me that I will be blessed with another child, its a matter of the Lord's timing because He sees a bigger picture than I do and knows what is best for me.

I pray that the Lord hears my heart's desire and not let me wait too long in receiving his Gift of a child. I pray that i will have the strength to continue towards my baby dream if this one is meant not to work. And I am thankful to God that I have the financial means to seek ivf treatments.

Meanwhile, I will just wait for the time to tick by... waiting for the moment... as i try to busy myself with the routines of life.....

Fetal Development Milestones

Day 1: Fertilization occurs.
Day 6: Embryo implants in the uterus.
Day 18: Human heartbeat can be detected.
Day 21: Foundations for many organs are apparent.
Day 31: Human anatomy (arms, legs, etc.) develops.
Day 38: Every muscle block is present; baby begins moving independently.
Day 40: Brain waves can be detected.
6 Weeks: EKG and EEG can be done; fingers and toes are forming.
8 Weeks: Every organ system is present, baby is swimming in amniotic fluid.
12 Weeks: Baby has sleep/wake cycle, digests food, swallows, excretes, breathes amniotic fluid, has vocal cords, and cries.

Sad ending movie and progestrone is a definite cry baby moment

It got to be the progesterone, it have to be the progesterone. i tell you why i said that. A moment ago, onto my 4th day of resting at home during my 2ww. I decided to watch this movie titled "Into the Wild". It sounds like a adventure show isnt it? Well it is, but it contains alot of depth in it , exploring the complexity of society's life and how one young man refuse to be conform by it and choose to live in the wild after his graduation. It tells a story of his journey and the people he met and how his life ended up... well i wont say too much in case you plan to watch it. At the end of the show ... i couldnt stop crying for a good 10 minutes. Its a touching and lovely movie. Its one of my favourite now. I suggest you dont watch it now if you are in your 2ww or else you may end up like me.... all progesterone fueled teary mess.

The matter of fact is, I suspect its not just the sad movie and the progesterone thats making me emotional. Its the fact that I have alot at stake to get this BFP in roughly 9 days time. After 1 miscarriage and 2 bfn in a row.... I am terrified ... I am terrified of another bfn. If there is a way of ensuring a bfp now, I may just do it. If eating a tubful of dreadful wasabi will give me a guaranteed bfp. I will.

Sorry to be so negative here. I shall get a grip of myself. Take a deep breathe, take a deep breathe... ooooooooo hooooooo. Ok I gotten a grip. I have to be courageous and be positive, it does not cost a dime to be positive. I shall embrace the freedom of positiveness.

My embies are in their blastocyst stage now. Anytime in the next day or 2, they will be implanting. About hpt (home pregnancy tests sticks). I target to start hpt on 12dp2dt, knowing me, i will probably be doing it in the late night of 11dp2dt.

I have to post this! I was so bored with bed resting , so i browsed my ex personal trainer's website and i found my weight lost photos up there in the testimonial page. During my last session with him, i thought he was joking when he said that he is going to extract information and photos of my exercise blog and put it on his business site.

It goes like this...

Success Stories & Testimonials
The following testimonials pale in comparison to the clients' appreciation through their own mouths. We would be happy to let them tell you how satisfied they truly are.

~~~~~
The following is an abstract from a client's personal diary:
Initail phase of training: "If i didn't have the encouragement of my PT (Paul Kuck) and hubby, i would have gone south.... straight back to binging and not exercising and lamenting how i am meant to remain fat and unsightly. ...the next morning was my personal training session, i shared my thoughts with my trainer about how i feel like this weight battle is getting tough and demoralising, this weight gain over a 2 days binge was such a mental setback. We spoke about it and i felt much more encouraged.
My PT has this very special way of making people like me feel very comfortable about themselves and their bodies, its always my aim to find a PT that can put me at ease and focus on my weight lost. I am glad I found one. I had a good workout and Lord and behold, i felt rejuvenated again. Yes, my confidence has definitely been shaken a bit due to the weight gain, but i am still on track... not completely off tangent as it could have been".

Transformation Milestones (her results were still impressive, considering the lapses she had to deal with)
1st march 08 - 65kg
3rd april 08 - 62.5kg,
1 st may 08 - 60.5kg
1st july 08 - 58kg
31st August: 56.9kg

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Looking back, lowering my body mass index was one of my efforts to increase my chance of a BFP for this round of IVF. I desire a bfp so much my heart hurts now.

My baby is a morula today

Constipation with a capital C!

I have to blog about this! Please skip if you dont want to read about 'dump'.
I did not take a dump since last thursday, that was like 6 days back. Today i finally took one, i tried so hard not to exert but its impossible. I ended up exerting and did a great one. In fact, i felt like going to the loo last night, but was too scared to do so for fear my embies will be 'de-stablised', so i waited until this morning.

If you happen to read this. Can you share with me if you had episode/s of constipation during your 2 weeks wait?
I need assurance that i didnt harm my embies by taking a constipated dump.

1dp2dt

This is a photo of my dear daughter praying for the embies to become her sibling/s.

My daughter is an ivf baby. I went through my first ivf , injections, scans, 2 weeks wait and a bfp and a smooth pregnancy and ceasarian to have her. She is truely an angel, a miracle, a comforter to me.

Over the past 1yr plus, i have undergone 1 fet and another 3 ivf cycles, 1 miscarriage and 2 bfn in a row, in order to have another miracle.

This is my 4th IVF and it is going to work. I hope the Lord will have mercy on me and bless me with a BFP in roughly 11 days time.

"I am pregnant now, until proven otherwise!"

The day my embies were transfered

8 eggs was good for ICSI. Fertilization rate was 60% and i ended up with 3 embies ready to transfer with nothing left to freeze.The fertilization rate is really below standard, i wonder if the embryologist could have done a better job. I am kind of disappointed that i have no frosties but at the same time glad that i have 3 good embies to put in me today.

Ok, my embies are 2x 4 cells grade 4 and 1 x 2 cells grade 3 ( grade 5 being the best). My ET went really smoothly. I rested for 15 minutes before getting up and leaving.

For Luteal Phase Support, I will be given 4 dose of pregnyl 1000units each time at 4 days intervals. Also, i am on utrogestan 100mg twice a day. Folic acid, vitamin E, fish oil supplements daily too. I am also taking a doctor prescribed 75mg of aspirin daily in hope it helps with blood flow in the uterus. There are many articles on the net that supports the idea of low dose aspirin and many that does not support it too. Here is a bbc news that supports http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/329464.stm

So thus.... begin my 0dp2dt or day 0 after transfer of 2 day old embies.
I found a great local ivf support forum at http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/messages/5/154014.html?1223280306

and a christian ivf support forum at
http://www.singaporemotherhood.com/forumboard/messages/5/1244527.html?1216780281

There are wonderful ladies there sharing about their journey through IVF.

Egg Retrieval

went in to ivf centre this morning for my egg retrieval. i was told that 9 eggs were collected. i will have to wait until monday to know how many are matured and went on to fertlization.

Final scan - day 10 ( after 9 days of puregon)

Here are the numbers
Right Ovaries; 21.5mm, 13.5mm,13.5mm,12mm
Left Ovaries; 18mm,15.5mm,15mm,12mm,10mm

I triggered HCG at 8pm tonight. My egg retrieval is scheduled on Saturday morning.

My butt is quite sore from the HCG injection. The injection hurt quite a bit, the sheer look of of th needle scared me, it was the length of my index finger. It needed to be this long in order to reach the muscle tissue.

Each time i go through an IVF cycle, i feel nearer to God, strangely. At this very moment, He is like the only one in the universe that knows for sure if this IVF cycle will work, I do hope the time is right and this IVF will be very successful.

Back to the injections.. Come to think of it, I am not afraid of needles. I always felt jabbing myself with stimulation drugs was a breeze as those needles are pretty small. BUT, the HCG needle that my husband brought from the pharmacy really freaked me tonight. I couldnt stop giggling seconds before the pierce, that is what i do when i get really nervous.

Comparing my final scan result with my previous ivf cycle's, i think the sizes looks somewhat better this time round. Could it be the 2 months supplements of DHEA that i took? Could it be the 8kg weight lost since my last cycle? Could it be a miracle from above, waiting to happen?
Whatever it is, I am thankful my stimulation stage went rather smoothly considering i am a poor responder with low antral follicle counts.

Dreaming..

In my ideal world, i will be able to harvest at least 9 fantastic eggs, fertilisation will be excellent and i will have 3 perfect embryos to transfer with somemore to freeze.. and the outcome of my IVF will be positive and 9 months from now, I will deliver a pair of healthy twins. 1 boy 1 girl. husband and i, my 2 years old and my twins .. we will live happily ever after together with our 2 pekingese dogs. Life will be great. Life will be so great.

3rd scan - follicle development during stimulation stage

I am feeling very bloated all over today. Feeling extremely fatigue too. I took a nap this afternoon, something i dont do at all normally. My follicles have growth bigger. The size of the 9 follicles are; right ( 18mm, 12.5mm, 12mm, 12mm ) left (14mm, 14mm, 11mm, 9.5mm, 8mm ). It grew an average of 1.5mm to 2mm per day. I am instructed to continue with my puregon for tomorrow and come in for my 4th scan on thursday 2nd sept.

It seems like most of my colleagues came to know about my IVF plans. I did tell two of my colleagues as i will be taking a week's leave next week for ER and ET so i had to inform them. I do not feel ashamed or guilty or shy about having to undergo IVF. But.. I must say deep down in me, i am still a bit self conscious about what these people will say or think of me. I owe it to my lovely daughter and medical technology, to the miracle and to women to strive to eliminate any of such self conscious feelings. Women undergoing IVF should be applauded at , should be cheered on, should be encouraged.. after all, it is for a noble reason.

3rd scan for follicle development - day 7 of Puregon

Dear Blogadiary,

I want to scream out loud. I want to hide my head in my pillow and bury myself until this IVF process is over. This is my fourth round and i cant help feeling so worried if its going to work or not. I am hovering along the thin line of hope and fear, of anticipation and worries.

So far, my follicles are growing. To begin with, I had 7 resting follicles sized at 8, 5,4,4,4,4,4. Today after 6 injections of puregon at dose of 600iu per day, i have 9 follicles sized at 16.5, 13, 11.5, 10, 9.5, 8.5, 8, 8, 6.

I am worried. I am worried. I am worried. I need to relax and take it easy. Everything is beyond my control at this moment. Dear body of mine, pls produce excellent quality eggs, as many as you can out of those follicles.

The thing about IVF is... its not the pain.. its never about the pain! Its about the anticipation and the worrying during the wait.

Ok, i need to relax my mind, i have to believe i am trying the best for the best outcome. There is really nothing more i can do at this moment except to wait and go through with the process with optimism.

Negatism is not the way to self preservation. Optimism is!

Appointment with new fertility specialist at KKH

I have arranged for a consultation with Dr Sahdana at KKH. She is one of the senior consultant. I plan to get her to do a Antral Follicle Count and also find out if she will be able to be the main decision maker for my entire process, instead of getting covering doctors of the day to decide if i should up or down my dose, trigger or not. I plan to choose my embryologist too. I had experienced with 3 in KKH and I still prefer the first embryologist because she is so sweet and willing to explain when im have questions.

I figured that if I go to KKH, the bill will be half that of raffles hospital. The success rate is almost the same. This coming sept/oct round i hope is the final successful round, but if its not, at least i am not stressed out by the humongous bill. This being my 4th round of IVF, does not come with medisave use. I have to pay cold hard cash, every single penny of it.

Mentally, I am ready for my next IVF to start asap. Soon i will be flooding this blog with many entries documenting my IVF process and my feelings along with it.

I hope anyone in the same predicament as me can seek information,if not, solace here. Knowing you are not alone is an important process in coping.

Hugs to every single women out there who requires fertility treatment. Rock on..!

antral follicle count result after 2 months of DHEA

Went for my day 2 antral follicle count yesterday. Turned out that I have the exact same numbers of antral follicles as my previous ivf cycle. I have 8 to 9 and some are below 5mm ( 5mm is the average size for potential respond during ivf). I feel quite afraid to know i have to begin another cycle soon with the same kind of stats. So after 2 months of DHEA, it didnt do much for my diminishing ovarian reserve. So disappointing.

My gynae seem to be only interested in getting me to start asap. I cant help feeling its for her own interest in doing so.

I have made an appointment for my next antral follicle count with another fertility doctor.

After knowing that my antral follicle count has not improve, I am feeling some trepitations and the fear of another unsuccessful ivf becomes very very real again.

I am so tired of trying, but have to go on, I have no choice. The reward of a baby is just too worth it.

I wish i am in a ivf support group or any form of ivf emotional support, cant seem to find one here..

Still blogging

I am still blogging. You can find me at http://cocoonbutterfly.blogspot.com . Some updates on my baby quest ;

I have dropped from 145 pounds/ 65 kgs to 128 pounds / 58 kgs since my last failed fresh cycle antagonist IVF attempt in feb/march this year. I plan to be around 120 pounds / 55kgs before i begin the next IVF in roughly 3 months time. The weight lost is acheived in a healthy and no shortcut way, that is through cardio exercise and weight training and food portion control. I believe that being in a healthy bmi of 21 will help in acheiving pregnancy.

I am also taking DHEA pills of 50 mg daily. Took it for a month now. This is done in hope of rejuvenating my ovaries as i have read from some studies done on women with diminishing ovarian reserve and women over 40 of age. Apparently, it helped some produce better quality and quantity of eggs. So i am giving a 4 months try at this. Some side effects i encountered so far is a slight increase in transitional acne ( i am prone to breakouts, esp pre menses, so this is not surprising for me) and regulated menses cycle. A normal cycle for me is 35 to 38 days, but since taking DHEA for a month, my menses came on the 28 day. Perhaps it is a coincidence.... I will be monitoring my next cycle.

I am taking wheat grass pills too, but the pills are too large and plenty to shallow a day , so i take it only occasionally when i feel up for swallowing those huge pills.

I need to begin monitoring my antral follicle count in my next cycle. I am still on a look out for a good IVF specialist, I may consider using the same IVF specialist as my last IVF if i cant find a better one. The specialist is good, but I felt so much pain from the vagina clamp she used to open me up during ET. I never had problems with those clamps with my previous experience. I hope it is an isolated incident and is the fault of the type of clamp she used and not so because she did it unskillfully. Other than the clamp incident, of course.. the blood taking incident i blogged about in my previous entry, also makes me think twice about going back to that centre. Having said all these, this is the same specialist that gave me my miracle ivf success on my very first ivf. Decisions , decisions, decisions....

If you are interested to hear more about my weight lost quest and life pre 4th IVF attempt... do check me out at http://cocoonbutterfly.blogspot.com. Drop me a message or so, greatly appreciate some support in this lonely but worthwhile quest.

perhaps a new blog

i am kind of attached to this blog. I know it is not the most suitable place to talk about other things in my life other than infertility. But each time i am feeling down after the bfn, i will seek refuge here in this blog... just merely coming to this blog and re reading what i have written reconnects me with myself again. And how it is ok for me to feel the way i am feeling now. And when i need some kind words, i will read those kind comments written by some kind souls out there... This blog helped me a great deal. Just that i dont know if it is the most suitable place right now to be blogging about my other things like dieting , rediscovering myself and finding beauty in me again.

A good movie and great book

I really enjoyed August Rush the movie, about a child music prodigy who is abandoned as a child and about his love for music and the mother he never saw. It was extremely touching and the performance of the actors and actress were excellent. One of those movies that lingers on in my mind hours and days after.

One of those memorable quote " The music is all around you, all you have to do is listen. " really strike a cord with me. I was in the long supermarket queue last night and was feeling mildly anxious, then i stopped and listen... and realised that there it was.. the pipe music in the background, i focused on the music and i became relaxed and the noisiness of the place dies down. I vote it the best movie i have watched this year and the last.

Also i am currently reading this great book about a woman's battle with infertility, just started so cant comment much, but its interesting right from the first page. It come recommended by Oprah book club.

Its sinking in..

Today is a rainy day. Menses came today... shedding of the lining that was suppose to support the 'could have been' pregnancy.

I came across this real life account of this poor abandoned dog and couldnt stop crying after reading it. I think i cried for a good half hour. http://www.asdsingapore.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1650&Itemid=72

I am in grief today.

The bfn aftermath

Since the bfn blood test result, i have been coping pretty ok. With a 'just get over it and move on' attitude. There are moments, where i am alone and quiet, that's when i feel kinda sad and disappointed. I wish it was a bfp, really still do.. even right at this moment.. hidden somewhere deep down... i still hope against hope that my menses wont come and i get a 'fall off the chair' news of a bfp. Well, the chances of that happening would probably be in the range of 0.0001 %

Anyway, i want to look forward. i am an ivf survivor. IVF is not about self pity-ness, its about an opportunity to have a Baby. Then again, i am only me, i do dable in this self pity thing quite often lately with the bfn.

( serenity of changi road )

Yesterday, hubby and i celebrated my birthday over dinner at porta porta, an Italian restaurant along changi road, eastern part of Singapore, 5 mins drive from my home.He gave me flowers and a necklace from Tiffany & Co.

Amongst the things we spoke about.. ivf was one of them. He wanted the next round to be the absolute last round of ivf, i said i wouldn't want to stop until i am done trying to have a 2nd child. He agreed to be supportive of my decision.

This is what he wrote to me in the card

' Happy birthday. You are truly the love of my life. I appreciate all that you have done for our family, your endless sacrifices, patience and abundant love. May this birthday bring a new perspective and may we journey together along a path laid by God.'

i appreciate it.

31 yrs old today

wow, i cant believe i crossed 30, no wait!.. i am 31 today. there are many things i am thankful for, here is a list of it

1. fertility treatments available to us.
2. my little 19 months old daughter, so perfect and lovely.
3. the wonderful husband i have...
4. nice parents in law who give no troubles.
5. great parents.
6. a good live-in maid who helps with the daily chores.
7. general good health in the family
8. a lovely dog
9. roof over my head
10.choice to be a full time mommy
11.no major financial headaches
12.husband's private practice running smoothly.
13.ability to afford ivf treatments
14. the $6k, $5k and $4k that government allows ivf patients to deduct from their personal medisave account.
15. moments when my daughter hug, kiss and call me mama.
16. being the main care giver to my daughter.


these are the things i want to do for the next 6 months before i begin my ivf round 5.

1. lasik treatment for my eyes. My daughter loves distorting my glasses.
2. try IPL (intense pulse light therapy facial) to improve complexion.
3. make healthier food choices.
4. lose 10kg (22lbs) in 6 months
5. take up gym and engage a personal trainer.
6. read more books and learn more about the stock investments.
7. further educate my toddler and give lotsa love.
8. be somebody's friend

A summary of my IVF path

2005' -1st round
ivf/icsi, 250/400 puregon, long protocol, asymetrical follicle growth, 12 follicles collected, 10 eggs, 8 fertilized,2 tx', 6 frozen . BFP. Dear daughter 19 months old now

2007' - 2nd round
fet, medicated cycle, thawed 4, 3 tx'. BFP. 6 weeks miscarriage

2007' - 3rd round
ivf/icsi, 300/400 puregon, long protocol, asymmetrical follicle growth, low follicle count, 4 follicle collected, 4 eggs, 1 fertilized, 1 fresh embryo + 1 thawed embryo tx. No frozen from previous cycle left. BFN.

2008' - 4th round
ivf/icsi, 450/600 Gonal F, antagonist protocol, low antral follicle count (only 8), asymmetrical follicle growth, 6 follicles collected, 5 eggs, 4 fertilized, 3 high quality embryo tx'. No frozen. BFN

Male factor with 1% morphology. 40 yr old.
As for me, normal fsh, low antral follicle count therefore low responder to ivf. 31 yr old.

Total cost for 4 rounds : $8,500 + $3,000 + $8,000 + $15,000 = $ 34,500 singapore dollars ~USD$25k.

Anticipation and emotion ~ priceless

After 9 tries at taking my blood

I spend nearly 2 hours to give 3 ml of blood this morning. After 9 tries and 5 nurses... finally they were able to get blood from my vein. During the process.... i sat there... feeling so sorry for myself coz i knew that the beta blood test is going to be negative as i did a hpt this morning with only 1 line. I did not want to look sad or cry out or be angry as i did not want the nurses to feel bad poking me this many times.. I knew they tried their best.

Strangely, i was at this stage where i do not care if they poke me 20 times ... all i want is for them to take my blood and so i can have a finale answer..

Seriously, i dont know why it took them this many times.,... i guess my veins must be all shrink up knowing its going to deliver bad news.

1 hour after blood taking, i met the gynae who told me what i already knew this morning. My beta level was a miserable 3.7 and i am not pregnant.I took the news very calmly... almost relief to finally hear the outcome.... Its like the worse is over..Its like quietness after a storm... It can only get better from today onwards..

Maybe its just not the right time... Maybe what is good have to be fought even harder for...

I am deciding to take a good 6 months break before i embark on this crazy wild ride again.

After 9 ghost lines

Since the last post, i have peed on more sticks, totalling of 9 hpts with 9 similar ghost lines.
If its pregnyl that was causing the lines, it sure didn't lighten.... if its pregnancy, it sure didnt darken.

For the past year or so, i have been obsessing over getting pregnant again. Everything i do or plan has always been influenced by it. I would buy a dress based on the fact that it looks like i could wear it if i get pregnant... etc

This is my third round of IVF in attempt to try for a second child. Three times...non stop with only 2 months break in between..... i think im tired...i hope today will be the last day of waiting to be pregnant.

I am going to have my husband beside me this time when the doctor breaks the news to me. The last round, i was alone at the mall when i got a call saying 'sorry, your beta is only 3... u r not pregnant' I could not control my tears, it swelled up in my eyes just kept flowing...I had to face a wall in the crowded mall so that no one could see me cry.

Today......is today the closest i can get to pregnancy? Or would i finally rejoice? How is my life going to change ? Tomorrow....