It is even hard to begin a sentence, coming from someone like me who
haven't written an entry for a long while. I feel a need to write how I
feel about some things that is going on in my life right now. I want to
write about a desire I have. I want another child. I want to have more
children, but we are infertile. Somewhere in the coming month, I will be
starting my 10th fully stimulated IVF cycle. 10, yes 10, you didn't see
it wrong, its the number 10th. Oh, if i count in the IVF thaw cycles,
it will be my 15th round. Yes you got it, 15!
You might think its resilience, or perhaps pure stubbornness. To me, its a desire I cant let go of.
How
can anyone still be hopeful after so many setbacks? How can anyone not
want to move on when the odds keep stacking against you? Sure thing, I
am darn tired of failing. I am darn tired of this whole IVF big fat
negatives (did i mention miscarriages yet?) Gosh, its hard to carry on,
BUT it will kill me to give up on my desire to have another child right
now. Its really a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation. I don't
want to live my life regretting giving up too early, and I don't want to
have this ordeal of trying again and again sapping the joy out of my
life.
I have been fortunate. I have been blessed. I have 2
successes under my belt, and they are 5 and 8 years old today. They are
the greatest joy in my life. I thank IVF and God often for them. My
challenge now is, to hold on tight to joy in my heart and not let this
ordeal of trying for one more rob me more than it should.
Somebody asked me recently
" Why try for the 3rd child when you already been through much for 2?
Why didn't you stop when you were winning, why try and risk feeling like you have lost?"
To
state the obvious, I really do not enjoy the roller coast emotional
trauma of each failed IVF attempt. Its kills me each time, I felt
horrible. Do I have a choice to not carry on? Yes I certainly do. Do I
want to give up and carry on with life? Yes I certainly would like to.
Can I give up my desire for another child?
I cant. I don't want to. I cannot give up my desire for another child.
I vividly imagine, ardently desire, enthusiastically act upon and pray that this dream of a baby will come to pass.
