Trying to understand..

I still couldnt bring myself to write about my ectopic experience because each time i try, i will choke up in tears. Right now, my mind is in a fog and my heart is fill with guilt of allowing the surgery to be done to remove that beating heart.Do i have a choice really?

Someone left me a poem on my comments page, it stirred my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I have cut and paste it here in this entry to share it with all mothers who has lost an unborn child.

I miss my baby that i have no chance to hold in my arms. The sound of the beating heart that i hear on 4th Nov will forever be ingrained in me and left a footprint in my heart.

-------------------------
What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this,
God. I want my baby here.
" He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear. "

I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home and
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me
one day and know you've always been one."