Its sinking in..

Today is a rainy day. Menses came today... shedding of the lining that was suppose to support the 'could have been' pregnancy.

I came across this real life account of this poor abandoned dog and couldnt stop crying after reading it. I think i cried for a good half hour. http://www.asdsingapore.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1650&Itemid=72

I am in grief today.

The bfn aftermath

Since the bfn blood test result, i have been coping pretty ok. With a 'just get over it and move on' attitude. There are moments, where i am alone and quiet, that's when i feel kinda sad and disappointed. I wish it was a bfp, really still do.. even right at this moment.. hidden somewhere deep down... i still hope against hope that my menses wont come and i get a 'fall off the chair' news of a bfp. Well, the chances of that happening would probably be in the range of 0.0001 %

Anyway, i want to look forward. i am an ivf survivor. IVF is not about self pity-ness, its about an opportunity to have a Baby. Then again, i am only me, i do dable in this self pity thing quite often lately with the bfn.

( serenity of changi road )

Yesterday, hubby and i celebrated my birthday over dinner at porta porta, an Italian restaurant along changi road, eastern part of Singapore, 5 mins drive from my home.He gave me flowers and a necklace from Tiffany & Co.

Amongst the things we spoke about.. ivf was one of them. He wanted the next round to be the absolute last round of ivf, i said i wouldn't want to stop until i am done trying to have a 2nd child. He agreed to be supportive of my decision.

This is what he wrote to me in the card

' Happy birthday. You are truly the love of my life. I appreciate all that you have done for our family, your endless sacrifices, patience and abundant love. May this birthday bring a new perspective and may we journey together along a path laid by God.'

i appreciate it.

31 yrs old today

wow, i cant believe i crossed 30, no wait!.. i am 31 today. there are many things i am thankful for, here is a list of it

1. fertility treatments available to us.
2. my little 19 months old daughter, so perfect and lovely.
3. the wonderful husband i have...
4. nice parents in law who give no troubles.
5. great parents.
6. a good live-in maid who helps with the daily chores.
7. general good health in the family
8. a lovely dog
9. roof over my head
10.choice to be a full time mommy
11.no major financial headaches
12.husband's private practice running smoothly.
13.ability to afford ivf treatments
14. the $6k, $5k and $4k that government allows ivf patients to deduct from their personal medisave account.
15. moments when my daughter hug, kiss and call me mama.
16. being the main care giver to my daughter.


these are the things i want to do for the next 6 months before i begin my ivf round 5.

1. lasik treatment for my eyes. My daughter loves distorting my glasses.
2. try IPL (intense pulse light therapy facial) to improve complexion.
3. make healthier food choices.
4. lose 10kg (22lbs) in 6 months
5. take up gym and engage a personal trainer.
6. read more books and learn more about the stock investments.
7. further educate my toddler and give lotsa love.
8. be somebody's friend

A summary of my IVF path

2005' -1st round
ivf/icsi, 250/400 puregon, long protocol, asymetrical follicle growth, 12 follicles collected, 10 eggs, 8 fertilized,2 tx', 6 frozen . BFP. Dear daughter 19 months old now

2007' - 2nd round
fet, medicated cycle, thawed 4, 3 tx'. BFP. 6 weeks miscarriage

2007' - 3rd round
ivf/icsi, 300/400 puregon, long protocol, asymmetrical follicle growth, low follicle count, 4 follicle collected, 4 eggs, 1 fertilized, 1 fresh embryo + 1 thawed embryo tx. No frozen from previous cycle left. BFN.

2008' - 4th round
ivf/icsi, 450/600 Gonal F, antagonist protocol, low antral follicle count (only 8), asymmetrical follicle growth, 6 follicles collected, 5 eggs, 4 fertilized, 3 high quality embryo tx'. No frozen. BFN

Male factor with 1% morphology. 40 yr old.
As for me, normal fsh, low antral follicle count therefore low responder to ivf. 31 yr old.

Total cost for 4 rounds : $8,500 + $3,000 + $8,000 + $15,000 = $ 34,500 singapore dollars ~USD$25k.

Anticipation and emotion ~ priceless

After 9 tries at taking my blood

I spend nearly 2 hours to give 3 ml of blood this morning. After 9 tries and 5 nurses... finally they were able to get blood from my vein. During the process.... i sat there... feeling so sorry for myself coz i knew that the beta blood test is going to be negative as i did a hpt this morning with only 1 line. I did not want to look sad or cry out or be angry as i did not want the nurses to feel bad poking me this many times.. I knew they tried their best.

Strangely, i was at this stage where i do not care if they poke me 20 times ... all i want is for them to take my blood and so i can have a finale answer..

Seriously, i dont know why it took them this many times.,... i guess my veins must be all shrink up knowing its going to deliver bad news.

1 hour after blood taking, i met the gynae who told me what i already knew this morning. My beta level was a miserable 3.7 and i am not pregnant.I took the news very calmly... almost relief to finally hear the outcome.... Its like the worse is over..Its like quietness after a storm... It can only get better from today onwards..

Maybe its just not the right time... Maybe what is good have to be fought even harder for...

I am deciding to take a good 6 months break before i embark on this crazy wild ride again.

After 9 ghost lines

Since the last post, i have peed on more sticks, totalling of 9 hpts with 9 similar ghost lines.
If its pregnyl that was causing the lines, it sure didn't lighten.... if its pregnancy, it sure didnt darken.

For the past year or so, i have been obsessing over getting pregnant again. Everything i do or plan has always been influenced by it. I would buy a dress based on the fact that it looks like i could wear it if i get pregnant... etc

This is my third round of IVF in attempt to try for a second child. Three times...non stop with only 2 months break in between..... i think im tired...i hope today will be the last day of waiting to be pregnant.

I am going to have my husband beside me this time when the doctor breaks the news to me. The last round, i was alone at the mall when i got a call saying 'sorry, your beta is only 3... u r not pregnant' I could not control my tears, it swelled up in my eyes just kept flowing...I had to face a wall in the crowded mall so that no one could see me cry.

Today......is today the closest i can get to pregnancy? Or would i finally rejoice? How is my life going to change ? Tomorrow....