Trying to understand..

I still couldnt bring myself to write about my ectopic experience because each time i try, i will choke up in tears. Right now, my mind is in a fog and my heart is fill with guilt of allowing the surgery to be done to remove that beating heart.Do i have a choice really?

Someone left me a poem on my comments page, it stirred my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I have cut and paste it here in this entry to share it with all mothers who has lost an unborn child.

I miss my baby that i have no chance to hold in my arms. The sound of the beating heart that i hear on 4th Nov will forever be ingrained in me and left a footprint in my heart.

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What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this,
God. I want my baby here.
" He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear. "

I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home and
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me
one day and know you've always been one."

Broken pieces

Be patient with life,

despite its cruelty.

Often it seems careless of our pain,

But just as often brings us hope again.

My unborn child is right now in heaven and one day I will come face to face and be reunited. Please forgive me for what i did.

I will continue, IVF #5 in feb 09'.

meanwhile, i am picking up the broken pieces..

finding strength in the comfort in well wishes.

A cruel twist

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life.

I had my scan and saw a beating heartbeat.

The ultrasound lady face turned grim.

It was ectopic pregnancy.

Doctor told me it can be life threatening and i need surgery immediately.

Was advise to remove my fallopian tube and risk the potential malfunctioning of my ovaries.

Decided against it and went to Gleneagles hospital for more scans to make sure its not a cruel joke.

After 4 scans at 4 different labs. I went in for surgery to remove the child i fought so hard for.

Managed to save my fallopian tube.

I went from joy, to delusion to hysterically sad, to numbness now over the past 24 hours.

My pregnancy is over.

423am on a sleepless night

I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 2.30am. I have been tossing and turning in bed and just couldnt get myself to sleep. I was dreaming about a meeting i had yesterday in the office with a group of theatre production folks and i woke up worrying about the steep quotation they have given me and how if this fund raising theatre event will be successful or not. I couldnt get it off my mind, so i watched some television, still it didnt work..so i turned off the lights and tried to sleep again. My mind wondered off and begin worrying about other things, like the IT project that im handling at work and how everything cost money for the charity organization and how i can help lower the expenses. I worried about the bad economic news and the recession. Then i began to worry about not being able to carry my daughter these past weeks and if my daughter will feel neglected etc. I just couldnt stop my mind from worrying worrying worrying.... I feel so inadequate and insecure now I want to dig a hole and hide myself.

Having said all these, I know why i am awake now in the middle of the night.. It is because in roughly 3.5 hours time. I will know if my pregnancy is viable or not after the scan. It is the main source of my restlessness and every other worries i am experiencing at this moment are just a manifestation of that 1 big anxiety.

I look at my dogs sleeping on the floor in my bedroom and i wondered what is going through their minds, maybe they can sense my anxiety.. maybe they r just little naive creatures blessed to be free from worries and stress unlike us human beings.

I feel like crying now. I dont know how to cope with this feeling i am having now. I guess the way i feel right now is due to the fact that i have had a previous miscarriage before and i fear having to go through it again. I fear it more than IVF itself..x 10000 times.

Dear heavenly father, please let things go smoothly tomorrow and bless me with a smooth 9 months pregnancy and a healthy child ...

My 6 weeks scan is scheduled tomorrow at 8am. I am so very scared of any setbacks. I think my weak heart wont be able to withstand a blow. Please let my unborn child be healthy and growing well.