I am on utrogestan 200mg and crinone twice daily, also injecting Pregnayl 2000 dose for 4 times from period of embryo transfer to pregnancy blood test.
The utrogestan and crinone combination have a sedating effect on me. At some point after taking it, i will feel like i am about to fall asleep, and everything around me is tinted yellow.
I feel so sad, so anxious, so helpless, so alone, so desperate, so emotional during this wait.. I really want to be positive, but the more positive i become, i am setting myself up for a greater disappointment.
Ever since i started on this quest to have a child back in 2004, i have undergone countless of invasive check ups, many blood takings, up to 200 injections of hormones and drugs, 1 healthy pregnancy, 1 miscarriage and 4 sets of ivf 2weeks wait. I am considered a lucky one in this infertility game, i have 1 bouncy 19 months old child from my first successful IVF to comfort me while i try desperately hard to overcome this ivf roller coaster journey that promise me a sibling for my little one. there are many many couples out there who struggled with infertility for many years without success with the same heart's yearning as I to have a child of their own...
Over the past few years, i no longer think of myself as a sexy attractive looking person. I have gained weight and never get to losing it after breastfeeding baby for 6 months, followed quickly by embarking on another round of baby making ivf which ended in an early miscarriage. The grief was turned into strength to continue the 3rd ivf which ended in a bfn (negative) result. I wont say that i deliberated these changes in me, i did not purposely choose to let go of myself, just that something got to give... and its my vanity that i have traded in right now.
I yearn so much for positive pregnancy test next week, a successful pregnancy that follows and another bouncy baby sister or brother for my child. Then after, I can get off the dizzy roller coaster of infertility for good... let it go .. past me... chapter close.
Dear God, please see my heart's desire... please help me.
Oh, I know that feeling well. You want so badly to believe that it has worked, but you can't help but let the doubt creep in as a measure of self preservation. And I completely understand needing to let go of vanity. Sometimes there are more important things in life. You'll have plenty of time to concentrate on vanity later in life.
ReplyDeleteHow many more days until your pregnancy test? 6 or so? I hope the time goes as quickly as it can for you.