HPT is a BFN on 10dp3dt :(

I feel like a foolish moth, with it's wings broken, after repeatedly flying into the damn glass pane, in hope of getting to the light.

Even though, I have been thru many 2wws over the years, the disappointment of a bfn is still hard to bear. The disappointment feels like grief of lost, that starts from the centre of my heart and radiates out across my chest and into the pit of my stomach.

Tomorrow, I will get my bloodwork done just to give it a closure. I really wish that one of these 2 embryos could be my baby. IF only this could be true...

FET in May

I love the rain. The morning is pouring rain and i love it. Its been really hot recently, in fact, the hottest week this year. I did not proceed with my FET last month as I've came down with flu and sinusitis. I was on antibiotics for 3 weeks of the month in April. I am glad i am well now.

Right now, I am on day 4 of my menses and has so far taken my 3rd dose of Femara (Letrozole) to prep my body for FET in less than 2 weeks time.
Recently, I have been thinking about how long this ttc been going on. It started 2 years prior to my elder daughter's arrival. She is now almost 5 years old. Infertility is almost ingrained into my identity now. I am thankful that I have my daughters, they are the fruits of my labour.

Couple of days back, I met up with a group of mothers from my daughter's school. During our lunch conversation, we got on the topic of pregnancy and ttc. I casually mentioned that I needed IVF for ttc and felt certain awkwardness from some. It was kind of weird. Nevertheless, I am still going to start firm that i am not going to hide about  infertility. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of, hence i shall not let others make me feel this way too.  In fact, I feel completely blessed that IVF is an option for me to assist my family in overcoming infertility. One day, I must be an advocate in Infertility Awareness, maybe within me, I already am.

Versatile Blogger Award

I've got an award! Thanks to the wonderful lady behind lostintranslation. A great IVF blog.

With blog awards come rules, so here they are:

A) Grab the award:

B) Link back to the person who gave it to you:

C) Share 10 things about yourself:

1. I like cool weather, its way too hot here..33 deg/ 92 F 

2. I have 2 kids with IVF, a dog and a tank of fish. 

3. I like to eat. Food glorious food.

4. I am a handicrafter-wannabe.  (my plans include crocheting children stuffs, sewing dresses for my girls,  scrapbooking kids photos of their growing up moments)

5. For the first 24 years of my life, I've never thought of ever getting married or being a mother. 

6. Today is my 9th year wedding anniversary. 

7. My bmi is 25.3. I would like to have a bmi of 21 someday.

8. I live right next to a large beautiful park with many lovely trees, ponds with swans and gorgeous gazebos.

9. My biggest desire at this moment is to have a 3rd child.

10. I love trees.
   

D) Award 15 recently discovered blogs:( 19!  most blogs below are from may/june cycle post of cyclesista, my fav blog)

Cindy @ Raising a man & 2

below list from cyclesista May/June Active Cyclers. Do check out cyclesista

• Liz @ Womb For Improvement (IVF #2)
• Sarah @ Bio Girl (FET #2 for Baby #2)
• S @ Misconceptions About Conception (DE IVF #1)
• AdSchill @ MissConception (IVF #1 - TTC #1)
• Amy @ This Woman's Work (IVF #2 for baby #1)
• Lady Pumpkin @ Planting a Pumpkin Patch (IVF #3 w/ PGD)
• New Year Mum @ A Year On... Our New Beginning {hopefully} (FET #2 for baby #2)
• Mrs Babydream @ My Journey through IVF (FET #3)
• Renee @ Pathway to Parenthood (IVF #3)
• Amanda @ Babymaking Fully Exposed (IVF #2 FET)
• Baby Hopes @ Chasing Our Stork: Our Journey Through Infertility (IVF #1)
• Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita (IVF#1)
• Magic Mama @ Abracadabra Baby (IVF #3 + PGD)
• Jill @ Feelin' IFfy (IVF#1)
• Buggy @ A Bug Odyssey: A journey through infertility (IVF+ICSI+PGS #2)
• Mom@heart @ InfertilityQueen (IVF#2)
• Lindsey @ Adventures of Endo in the Arctic (IVF #1)
• Christine Palamara @ C+C Baby Factory (IVF #2)

What IF

Came across this great video clip on What IF (infertility) and i would like to share it here with you.

What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

April FET - get set go!

Since the last failed Fresh cycle, I mentioned that I am going to enjoy my life while waiting for the next cycle, recover from the back to back bfns setbacks and bounce back on this IVF wagon in due course.
I have done most of the things i have set out to do before starting this April cycle. Some of the stuffs I have done include having a wonderful getaway to Phuket, hiked in Nepal and had teas and meal with the villagers. Started running up to 4 times a week. Did my bird poo facial. Did my Balinese massages. Had fun family time at universal studio. Carried, cuddled, swing and ran with my children a thousand times. Life has been good.

I am all ready for my FET. I am expecting to start my FET medication, Letrozole instead of clomid this time, on day 2- 6 of my menses cycle. I am expecting the flow anytime now. Dr asked me to take 1000iu of vitamin D as daily supplement. I have 2 remaining day3 4cells embryos. I am hoping that it will work. And should it not work, I have plan to follow that up with my 7th fresh IVF cycle in May in hope for a third child.

Wish me luck.

bfn

Beta turned out 26, that confirms my earlier suspicion that the beta number is due to my pregnyl booster injections. Game over for me.

12dp3dt

I did my Beta blood test this morning and still waiting for the results. I feel like a target duck in a shooting range waiting to be shot down, at the same time pray for good news. Gosh, Trepidation is how i feel now.

Today

Today, i am still entitled to feel as if I am pregnant. PUPO.

Today, i can still believe that my embryos hadnt left me

Today, i can still think that the symptoms im having is due to a growing embryo instead of the multiple drugs in my body

Today, i can still anticipate a possibility of a good news

Today, i can still touch my belly and feel love radiating from my womb

Today, i can believe i am still in the game

Today, i imagine my beta is going to turn out just right and i am going to be blessed with good news

Today, i can visualise my baby's heart beating in another 2 weeks time

Today, i close my eyes and imagine the feeling of happiness of a congratulatory greetings for tomorrow's beta

Today i can imagine the twinkle in my husband's eyes and the tension release.

Today, i can still remain hopeful

CTOC - Common Things Occur Commonly

After browsing through endless beta forums and recalling my ivf experiences. I come to a conclusion that (CTOC) common things occur commonly. The fact that my beta is 17 on 12dpo or 9dp3dt. It is low. Based on the CTOC theory, my chances for a bfp is 10% while a bfn is 90%. To think about it, a bfn is not that bad, it is better than a miscarriage and it is better than an ectopic pregnancy of both i had suffered in the past.

So, these are my rough plans on what i am going to do if it's a bfn

1. Go to the Thai brewery Tawadang @ dempsey and drink to my heart's content.
2. Treat myself to a Kyoto Bird Poo facial. (A special bird droppings collected and processed with stringent control in Japan, it suppose to be really great for the skin) 
3. Weekly Balinese Massage.
4. Begin to jog twice a week.
5. Go on a healthy weight lost diet.
6. Take up course in cake decorating on royal icing at Artistiq Sugarcraft
7. Bake more cakes, decorate more cakes and give as gifts.
8. Go to the newly opened Universal Studio and have fun with family.
9. Plan for a short weekend holiday in Feb
10. Tag along with husband to a conference held in Austria in March. Bring the kids along.
11. Groom myself better. Stop neglecting my outer appearance.

If its a bfp, there is only 1 thing i want to do. That is smile all day all night long. :)

With patience, my desire for a 3rd child will come true. 10% chance that it might be this round... 90% chance it might be the next few rounds (1 FET and 2 fresh cycles before i call it quits by end of 2011).

Letter to my one last embryo

Hope or no hope....

3 days ago, i did my pregnyl hcg booster injection and 2 days back, i did a beta hcg blood test (10 dpo or 7dp3dt) my beta was 23. The result on 10dpo was inconclusive as its only 1 day after my booster injection, the hcg booster med would have still be in my system. Today, I did another beta blood test and my beta is 17. It is again, inconclusive it seem. My hcg booster med in my system would have fallen quite a bit over 3 days... but how do i interpret the beta of 17 for 12 dpo? Still hcg booster residue?? Or bfp??? You see, I thought i will skip POAS this time by going to get my beta done early at the hospital lab, it was a silly thing to do... I am in more agony then if i had depended on POAS.
 
To make things trickier, the nurse called and told me that i should come in for beta blood test on 27th instead of 25th as previously scheduled as it slipped her mind that that i was on hcg booster shots. So this coming Thursday. I will know better by then.

My tummy is so bloated due to water retention, i feel like i have gained lots of weight from not moving much and not exercising. I truly feels like a hippo. I dont want to be a sad hippo and have bfn. I want to be a happy hippo with a bfp. I feel so horrible right now, thinking that this ivf no. 6 or if i counted the FET, it will be IVF cycle no. 8 might ended as a negative... I will be heart broken. The truth is, i really dont know if I can get pregnant with this cycle. I really dont wish it to be negative. I just been dealt with a BFN last month with my FET, i am not ready for another BFN so soon. I pray for divine intervention.

PUPO

I just discovered a new fertility term after being in this IVF circle for almost 6 years.
PUPO! It's pregnant until proven otherwise. I am PUPO!

3dp3dt updates

As i have planned, i came back from my japan holiday and got into the serious business of ivf. I had a fantastic trip, Kyoto's autumn is magical.

I did my FET in the beginning of December 2010. 2 frosties were thawed and transferred. Both are day 3 embryos at 3 and 4 cells respectively.  After 4 days of bedrest, Christmas feasting and many POAS later, i got a bfn blood test.

I embarked on a fresh IVF the following cycle. My doc recommended that I add in growth hormones for this cycle. I took it. My ER was on 12th Jan 2011, collected 13 eggs ( thats quite a good number for me) , 12 mature and 7 fertilised with ICSI. Fertilization rate was not so fantastic at about 60% compared to 100% the last fresh cycle. ET was on 15th Jan 2011.  Transferred 3 good quality day 3 embryos of 6, 8, 8 cells.

So here am I, 3dp3dt. My embryos are 6 days old now and anytime from today and the next 3 days. It should implant and nestled onto my uterus. My beta blood test is on the 24th of Jan. I have a good feeling about this round. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying for a BFP.