The Most Fool-Proof Macarons You'll Ever Make

IVF

I am living life as a mother of not 1, 2, 3 but 4 kiddos! That puts me in the less than 5% bracket of people with 4 or more kids. I often have people come up to me and say things like " You did not tie your tubes?" " You are so fertile!" "Your husband cant lay his hands off you?"
To all these remarks, I just want to laugh. Come on, you don't know my story.
Sometimes, when the remarks get too annoying, I would send a shocker by telling him/her " We are infertile, I have to undergo IVF many many many times." and I would see an incredulous look on the face.

My IVF story - Trusting the journey

Once upon a time, I dreamt of becoming a mom. We tried, it didn't happen. After a year, we went for tests and found out that one of us was infertile. It didn't manner if it was him or me. We, as a couple, were infertile, period. Our prognosis of a natural conception was less than 1%. IVF ICSI was the only way and so began the decade journey to a complete family.

In between now and then were 10 fresh IVF, 5 frozen IVF, 3 canceled IVF, a few miscarriages, 1 ectopic pregnancy that ended in a surgery. I have 4 beautiful kids now.

Life is kinda crazy in that way. I wanted 3 kids and it seemed impossible at that time. Getting pregnant with the first child was straightforward. One IVF was all it took. Thank God for that. Getting pregnant with the 2nd child was tougher. Many failed IVF and miscarriages and ectopic. After 2 whole years of cycling one IVF after another, I got pregnant, and it stayed and I became a mother of 2.

A veteran IVFer. A fighter. A wounded soul. A crazy person. A resilient mom. Some of the names I have been labeled. I knew I wanted a third child. I was scared of the prospect of revisiting IVF and I knew the possibilities of a prolonged struggle. True enough, it was a rough one and lengthy one.

The fact is, women suffering from secondary infertility doesn't get much empathy and support from people around them, especially if the trying is a long drawn one.

When my 9th fresh cycle and the frozen cycles that came with it failed. I felt really defeated. Its been 4 years since I started trying for a 3rd child, wounded with many failed and canceled IVF, it was rough rough rough on my emotions, to say the least.

Here in my country, the maximum permissible times any woman can undergo a fresh IVF cycle is 10 times. I was not going to stop till I max out all chances. The 10th fresh cycle was a success. My 3rd child was born.

Number 3 who is 2.5 years old today. 

Thank God for sustaining me, giving me the resilience and buffering the pain, and ultimately blessing me with my children. My family unit is complete.

Wait.. that's not the end of the happy ending. I had 1 last frozen embryo in storage. And what would a person who had prayed for every single embryo that the Lord has breathed life into it no matter how brief? I couldn't make myself discard my one last embryo, furthermore, the odds of pregnancy was low. Out of almost 50 embryos fertilized and transferred to my womb, 3 embryos went on and became successful pregnancies.

The one last embryo took and became my 4th baby. That is a miracle. God has a plan and is thankful for His mercy and blessings. All glory to God.

If you are reading this. I hope you find hope and renewal of strength after reading my story.

Lots of love,
A veteran infertile IVF mother of 4.

3 must do if you are facing multiple failed IVF attempts but still want to try

1. Change a Fertility Doctor

If you have done IVF a few times without success in your current fertility clinic, you might notice the sorry looks on the receptionists faces or the subtle fade in the enthusiasm of your doctor. It is time to consider changing to a new doctor for your next IVF. When we hit with bfns, it is already very hard to cope, right? A new clinic does not guarantee a bfp but it sure guarantees you fresh enthusiasm. Every bit of positiveness counts when you are climbing the infertility hill. 

2. Take a break

Go do the stuff you have always wanted to do but did not because of infertility treatments. Go get that facial. Go to that holiday. Have that cocktail. Go on that healthy diet. Just take a break and come back stronger. 

3. Juice

Having lots of food and putting on weight does not mean you are not starved. We can be starved of all the micro-nutrients our body needs even when we are pigging out. Consuming more calories does not mean we are eating well for our body. Juicing is one good way of feeding our body with more micro-nutrients wholesomeness. Green juice in particular. Do try it. Your body will thank you for it.  

Thought of the day

Dear you,

Hello from the other side. Or is there really the other side? It seem to me now that there is not a distinct other side. It felt like there was truly other side of IVF, back then when I was still at it. The other side I have envisioned was, a lush green field of happily ever after. Right now, this side actually feels pretty much like that side. Life is life. What I am trying to say is, you could be happy where you are right now, wherever you are. You see, the grass is always greener from the other side, but truly, life is worth celebrating on both sides of infertility. Life is worth celebrating now, pleasure is worth feeling now. You do not have to delay joy just because you are trying to overcome infertility. Just embrace life and life will embrace you back.

Baby T is 7 weeks old

I have waited a long time for you baby T. Thank God that you are here, safe in my arms. Cheers to happy beginnings, a life together. I love you baby T.

Thankful

I am in my 22nd week of pregnancy. I am thankful and grateful for the Lord's blessings.

On desires and setbacks

It is even hard to begin a sentence, coming from someone like me who haven't written an entry for a long while. I feel a need to write how I feel about some things that is going on in my life right now. I want to write about a desire I have. I want another child. I want to have more children, but we are infertile. Somewhere in the coming month, I will be starting my 10th fully stimulated IVF cycle. 10, yes 10, you didn't see it wrong, its the number 10th. Oh, if i count in the IVF thaw cycles, it will be my 15th round. Yes you got it, 15!

You might think its resilience, or perhaps pure stubbornness. To me, its a desire I cant let go of.

How can anyone still be hopeful after so many setbacks? How can anyone not want to move on when the odds keep stacking against you? Sure thing, I am darn tired of failing. I am darn tired of this whole IVF big fat negatives (did i mention miscarriages yet?) Gosh, its hard to carry on, BUT it will kill me to give up on my desire to have another child right now. Its really a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation. I don't want to live my life regretting giving up too early, and I don't want to have this ordeal of trying again and again sapping the joy out of my life.

I have been fortunate. I have been blessed. I have 2 successes under my belt, and they are 5 and 8 years old today. They are the greatest joy in my life. I thank IVF and God often for them. My challenge now is, to hold on tight to joy in my heart and not let this ordeal of trying for one more rob me more than it should.

Somebody asked me recently
" Why try for the 3rd child when you already been through much for 2?
Why didn't you stop when you were winning, why try and risk feeling like you have lost?"

To state the obvious, I really do not enjoy the roller coast emotional trauma of each failed IVF attempt. Its kills me each time, I felt horrible. Do I have a choice to not carry on? Yes I certainly do. Do I want to give up and carry on with life? Yes I certainly would like to. Can I give up my desire for another child?

I cant. I don't want to. I cannot give up my desire for another child.

I vividly imagine, ardently desire, enthusiastically act upon and pray that this dream of a baby will come to pass.


 

Whats up next stop? Its... FET

I have taken these months between the last post and this to recoup and reconcile with myself over the failed cycle.  Have been enjoying my food alot and gained 4kg/ 10 pounds over this period. This morning, stepped on my scales and saw a new milestone in weight. 60.00kg. Shucks! I better start eating healthier and more mindfully.

I used to think that the maximum number of fresh cycle that I would undergo is 10. But it looks like this number no longer is a barrier to my baby dreams. I might just go as far as it takes to bring my baby home. I may consider stopping if I am still unsuccessful in a few years time when age really catches up.

My next baby plan is to start FET in August/Sept cycle. I have 2 frozen blastocysts waiting.

Stay Calm and Keep Trying

Sipping a cuppa coffee

Havent had a cup of nice coffee for a while now. It is so nice to sip on one now. If this is a viable pregnancy, I will be 6 weeks plus now. I haven't miscarried technically as my menses hasn't arrived after stopping all hormones support medication for 1 week. I do have stains and slight spotting in different shades of red, pink and purple plum.

As a recap on my beta ordeal

On 2 days intervals, my beta were 100, 116, 316, 166, 134 (asked to stop all meds).. 1 week has pass, beta 78...... still waiting for my menses.

Beta hcg update

Prior to 11dp5dt, I was convinced that my ivf didnt work and then I had a bfp on a pee stick. Went in for beta on 12dp5dt and it turned out 100. I was elated until today 14dp5dt, my 2nd beta turned out 116. No doubling.  Most likely chemical pregnancy.

Im told most likely non viable pregnancy, but come in 2 days later for another test and to stop all meds if level falls.

Shit happens. Shucks!

Overcoming obstacles

I did the pee test. Its negative. Its ok, I'll try again in 1 or 2 menses cycles time. Meanwhile, I'll heal the pain with patience and being thankful for all the blessings I have this life now.

Thank you for cheering me on in your heart. Dont lose hope if your obstacles seem challenging, Coz, one fine day you will leap across... Just be patient.

7dp5dt

Couldnt sleep last night, woke up alert very early today, needed to pee. Feeling hot flushes and sore boobs with a mild headache on the right side of my head. Surfed the internet forum and read that papaya should be avoided during 2ww. This info freaks me out because I ate some papaya couple of days ago..  'keep calm , keep calm'. Im telling myself that if its critical information,  my doctor would have told me to avoid it.

2 more days to testing...

6dp5dt

I got a positive! Ya right, a positive for urinary tract infection. Started antibiotics last evening and is feeling much better when I use the loo now, otherwise it felt like a crab pinched my peehole at the end of each pee attempt.

First of all, I hardly ever get uti. May be once in a few years? I should have peed again shortly after being cathetered during Embryo Transfer. If I did, I wonder if it would havd made a difference. I asked my RE if uti during the 2ww might affect chances for a bfp. He said it wouldnt affect a weeee bit. I just have to believe him.

I think I might skip poas (pee on a stick) this time. The last few cycles, my mind really got screwed up badly by the false positives (probably residual effect of the pregnyl jabs administered during the 2ww support). During the last cycle ivf#8, I did a digital hpt at my mom's house and it turned positive, it wrote 'pregnant' on the stick. You can guess the rest.. I told everyone at mom's place and was happy as a lark, but only for 1 day.  On the day of hcg blood test and it turned out bfn. I did another hcg blood test and the hcg dropped further to near zilch.  Darn pregnyl shots.  It was so so hard and embarrassing to have to break the news to everyone who witnessed my happy dance the other day while holding the positive hcg stick. I felt like an idiot.

Really, so i think it might be wiser to lay off from poas especially since I'm jabbing myself with pregnyl this round too, on top of inserting cyclogest into my vjayjay twice daily and popping progynova.

This waiting ... this 2ww... is excruciating.  I've been on the ivf wagon for way too looong. Please let this time be a bfp and baby in arms 9 months later.  Pouring lots of baby dust on myself........ :)

4dp5dt

It is a beautiful morning today.  Life is beautiful because it is a gift. Health is a gift and so is life. Live each day fully, even when you are in a stage of limbo like the 2ww. Thats my motto today.

The 48 hours bedrest

After the embryo transfer, I was told not to move for 4 hours. The nurses used a patslide and slided me from the surgery bed to the trolley bed and then to the bed in the room where spent the next 4 hours just lying flat on my back.  When 4 hours up, I got up and left the room, waited for the lift, walked to the carpark to hubby car. I was probably on my feet for 10 to 15 mins during this period. The car journey home was 20 minutes. I got out of the car and took the lift up to my apartment. Once inside, climbed onto bed and carried on with my bedrest on my back.  Only got up for dinner and pee breaks.  I struggled to stay on my back in the night but couldnt fall asleep and so I succumbed to sleeping on my side.

I am 1dp5dt. 8 more days before I poas and 11 more days before the official hcg blood test.  

Day 5 embryo transfer update

My embryos did a stellar performance. Out of the 8 eggs retreived, 6 viable eggs, 5 fertilised embryos, 4 embryos survive and are blastocysts at day 5.

2 great looking blastocysts were transferred. 2 more blastocysts are frozen for rainy day.

I am still pleasantly shocked that a poor responder with diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) like me can have 4 beautiful blastocysts. I am very very thankful n pleased.  I am praying that these blastocysts transferred will implant and be my baby/babies.

My hcg test is 12 days from now. Meanwhile, my 2ww begins.. 

3 days post retrieval

Dear baby to be

Today, our doctor informed us that you are developing beautifully.  All 5  fertilised embryos not only survived but also look good. We have one 10 cells , two at 8 cells and two at 7 cells.
Doctor informed that there will be no transfer today, instead, we will go for blastocyst day 5 transfer. This is my 9th fresh ivf cycle and my very first attempt at day 5 transfer.

It is a wonderful assurance to me that this cycle might just be the one that hit home run. I am so so ready to be pregnant with you.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will have a minimum of at least 2 good blastocysts to transfer on day 5. 

Lots of love,
Your mother

Thank you Almighty God for the miracle and the mercy.  May the Lord continues to watch over the development beginnings of my 3rd child and bless my womb and let it be ready to receive this child. Amen

2 days old embryos

8 eggs retrieved during OR, out of which 6 are mature eggs, 5 fertilized and developing as I'm typing this. 

Transfer will either be day 3 which is tomorrow or day 5. Most likely day 3 dr said.

With the new fertility regulations,I am only allowed to transfer up to 2 embryos, since I'm under 37 yrs old. 

Post Egg retrieval update

My retrieval went smoothly. 8 oocytes/eggs were retrieved.  my uterine lining has thicken to 7.9mm and dr informed that we can go ahead to do the embryo transfer in 3 to 5 days time.

Out of the 8, dr says some look immature which I expected since some follicles were as small as 10mm during trigger. Dr is aiming to maintain the 2 leading follicles at optimal quality and triggered when these 2 were 18mm.

Thank God that things have so far progressed smoothly. 

Right now, I look forward to good outcome in the fertilization process, embryo development process, embryo transfer process before I begin my 2 weeks wait and pregnancy test.

Day 11 - 1 day post trigger

Dear my baby-to-be,

I am so excited that I am 1 step closer to conceiving you. Thank God we make it to 1 day before oocyte retrieval with this new low dose fsh ivf protocol. You know, I am willing to inject any amount of drugs into my body just so to have a chance to be your mother. Just like for your 2 older sisters, my love for you begins in my heart even before you are in my womb.
Tomorrow, I will be checking into the hospital at 6am. The process of retrieving eggs is an interesting experience for me, its like giving birth to half of you. God plays a lead role in the making of you, I pray that God will bless us with His Touch and breathe your soul into my embryo. We call it fertilization process in conception, but indeed it is God fertilizing your spirit into those cells. The bible says that there is a time for everything... I pray with my heart and my soul that this is your time now.

Sometimes, I get scared and confused, what if I can not have you? What if I am make to give up before my heart says so? I so believe in you and in God's timing.

God placed a seed of desire for daddy and I to have you. God will see it through.

Day10 update

Did my scan today. I have about 7 follicles. 2 at 18mm a few around 13mm and the smallest at 10mm. My uterine lining is quite thin at 4.7mm.

Since the objective is to get 2 or3 good ones my RE decision is to trigger tonight.  My egg retreival is scheduled on Saturday. There is a possiblity the embryos will be frozen for transfer in my next month's cycle if my lining remains thin.

I never had thin lining issues. It kinda worrying to have a thin lining. Thin lining means not optimal for implantation means lower success rate. 

I got to have faith in my good RE to make the right judgement calls.

Crossroads- Day 7 update of ivf #9

Lately, I have been feeling very emotional. I pray that this ivf will be a success and resulting in a healthy baby  9 months later. At this point of life, going through ivf is akin to being in a life crossroad. I really dont know what lies ahead. I can only close my eyes and pray hard.

Sometimes I feel so very alone in this. I have decided not to tell anyone except my husband and my housekeeper.  I am not telling my parents because I dont want them to have to worry for me. Its better this way.

Going through 5 straight failed cycles dampens my ability to believe that I can be lucky and good things can happen to me but still I have to believe in good outcome. I have to repeat this in my head.. 'success can happen to me'
Tomorrow I will be seeing my fertility dr for my first scan. I hope that my reproductive organ is responding well to the 100mg clomid daily and also the little puregon I am on. 

Mini IVF Journey

' Hey, again? You never quit, do you..?'  A familiar face remarked yesterday.  ' 'Desire' was my reply. That one word sums it all up for me.

Today is my day 2 of my menses cycle. I am officially on my 9th fresh Ivf cycle (not including all the frozen cycles aka FET cycles). This time, I am using a new Fertility specialist and a new protocol. I am on a mini IVF. Drugs on this protocol includes 5 days of clomid  and alternate days of puregon injections from day 2 onwards. The 'mini' part of this ivf is associated to the lower dose of puregon. On a typical antagonist ivf cycle, assuming a 12 days stimulation cycle.  I will receive an estimated dose of 600iu x 11 days = 6600iu of puregon. For this cycle, its about 200iu x 6 = 1200iu.

Thats alot less FSH drugs.

The aim for mini Ivf is higher quality eggs in a lower quantity.  Mini IVF aims for 2 to 3 good eggs during retrieval.  

Yes.. no.9 ivf cycles not including frozen ivf cycles and still believing....Desire ....

Be Thankful

Be Thankful 

~ Author Unknown ~

Thanks for not having

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.

If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Thanks for lacking knowledge

Be thankful when you don't know something,

for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Thanks for difficult times

Be thankful for the difficult times. 

During those times you grow.

Thanks for limitations

Be thankful for your limitations,

because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Thanks for challenges

Be thankful for each new challenge,

because it will build your strength and character.

Thanks for mistakes made

Be thankful for your mistakes. 

They will teach you valuable lessons.

Thanks for exhaustion

Be thankful when you're tired and weary,

because it means you've made the effort.

Thanks for setbacks

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who

are also thankful for the setbacks.

Thanks for troubles

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,

and they can become your blessings

HPT is a BFN on 10dp3dt :(

I feel like a foolish moth, with it's wings broken, after repeatedly flying into the damn glass pane, in hope of getting to the light.

Even though, I have been thru many 2wws over the years, the disappointment of a bfn is still hard to bear. The disappointment feels like grief of lost, that starts from the centre of my heart and radiates out across my chest and into the pit of my stomach.

Tomorrow, I will get my bloodwork done just to give it a closure. I really wish that one of these 2 embryos could be my baby. IF only this could be true...

FET in May

I love the rain. The morning is pouring rain and i love it. Its been really hot recently, in fact, the hottest week this year. I did not proceed with my FET last month as I've came down with flu and sinusitis. I was on antibiotics for 3 weeks of the month in April. I am glad i am well now.

Right now, I am on day 4 of my menses and has so far taken my 3rd dose of Femara (Letrozole) to prep my body for FET in less than 2 weeks time.
Recently, I have been thinking about how long this ttc been going on. It started 2 years prior to my elder daughter's arrival. She is now almost 5 years old. Infertility is almost ingrained into my identity now. I am thankful that I have my daughters, they are the fruits of my labour.

Couple of days back, I met up with a group of mothers from my daughter's school. During our lunch conversation, we got on the topic of pregnancy and ttc. I casually mentioned that I needed IVF for ttc and felt certain awkwardness from some. It was kind of weird. Nevertheless, I am still going to start firm that i am not going to hide about  infertility. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of, hence i shall not let others make me feel this way too.  In fact, I feel completely blessed that IVF is an option for me to assist my family in overcoming infertility. One day, I must be an advocate in Infertility Awareness, maybe within me, I already am.

Versatile Blogger Award

I've got an award! Thanks to the wonderful lady behind lostintranslation. A great IVF blog.

With blog awards come rules, so here they are:

A) Grab the award:

B) Link back to the person who gave it to you:

C) Share 10 things about yourself:

1. I like cool weather, its way too hot here..33 deg/ 92 F 

2. I have 2 kids with IVF, a dog and a tank of fish. 

3. I like to eat. Food glorious food.

4. I am a handicrafter-wannabe.  (my plans include crocheting children stuffs, sewing dresses for my girls,  scrapbooking kids photos of their growing up moments)

5. For the first 24 years of my life, I've never thought of ever getting married or being a mother. 

6. Today is my 9th year wedding anniversary. 

7. My bmi is 25.3. I would like to have a bmi of 21 someday.

8. I live right next to a large beautiful park with many lovely trees, ponds with swans and gorgeous gazebos.

9. My biggest desire at this moment is to have a 3rd child.

10. I love trees.
   

D) Award 15 recently discovered blogs:( 19!  most blogs below are from may/june cycle post of cyclesista, my fav blog)

Cindy @ Raising a man & 2

below list from cyclesista May/June Active Cyclers. Do check out cyclesista

• Liz @ Womb For Improvement (IVF #2)
• Sarah @ Bio Girl (FET #2 for Baby #2)
• S @ Misconceptions About Conception (DE IVF #1)
• AdSchill @ MissConception (IVF #1 - TTC #1)
• Amy @ This Woman's Work (IVF #2 for baby #1)
• Lady Pumpkin @ Planting a Pumpkin Patch (IVF #3 w/ PGD)
• New Year Mum @ A Year On... Our New Beginning {hopefully} (FET #2 for baby #2)
• Mrs Babydream @ My Journey through IVF (FET #3)
• Renee @ Pathway to Parenthood (IVF #3)
• Amanda @ Babymaking Fully Exposed (IVF #2 FET)
• Baby Hopes @ Chasing Our Stork: Our Journey Through Infertility (IVF #1)
• Jen @ The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita (IVF#1)
• Magic Mama @ Abracadabra Baby (IVF #3 + PGD)
• Jill @ Feelin' IFfy (IVF#1)
• Buggy @ A Bug Odyssey: A journey through infertility (IVF+ICSI+PGS #2)
• Mom@heart @ InfertilityQueen (IVF#2)
• Lindsey @ Adventures of Endo in the Arctic (IVF #1)
• Christine Palamara @ C+C Baby Factory (IVF #2)

What IF

Came across this great video clip on What IF (infertility) and i would like to share it here with you.

What IF from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

April FET - get set go!

Since the last failed Fresh cycle, I mentioned that I am going to enjoy my life while waiting for the next cycle, recover from the back to back bfns setbacks and bounce back on this IVF wagon in due course.
I have done most of the things i have set out to do before starting this April cycle. Some of the stuffs I have done include having a wonderful getaway to Phuket, hiked in Nepal and had teas and meal with the villagers. Started running up to 4 times a week. Did my bird poo facial. Did my Balinese massages. Had fun family time at universal studio. Carried, cuddled, swing and ran with my children a thousand times. Life has been good.

I am all ready for my FET. I am expecting to start my FET medication, Letrozole instead of clomid this time, on day 2- 6 of my menses cycle. I am expecting the flow anytime now. Dr asked me to take 1000iu of vitamin D as daily supplement. I have 2 remaining day3 4cells embryos. I am hoping that it will work. And should it not work, I have plan to follow that up with my 7th fresh IVF cycle in May in hope for a third child.

Wish me luck.

bfn

Beta turned out 26, that confirms my earlier suspicion that the beta number is due to my pregnyl booster injections. Game over for me.

12dp3dt

I did my Beta blood test this morning and still waiting for the results. I feel like a target duck in a shooting range waiting to be shot down, at the same time pray for good news. Gosh, Trepidation is how i feel now.

Today

Today, i am still entitled to feel as if I am pregnant. PUPO.

Today, i can still believe that my embryos hadnt left me

Today, i can still think that the symptoms im having is due to a growing embryo instead of the multiple drugs in my body

Today, i can still anticipate a possibility of a good news

Today, i can still touch my belly and feel love radiating from my womb

Today, i can believe i am still in the game

Today, i imagine my beta is going to turn out just right and i am going to be blessed with good news

Today, i can visualise my baby's heart beating in another 2 weeks time

Today, i close my eyes and imagine the feeling of happiness of a congratulatory greetings for tomorrow's beta

Today i can imagine the twinkle in my husband's eyes and the tension release.

Today, i can still remain hopeful

CTOC - Common Things Occur Commonly

After browsing through endless beta forums and recalling my ivf experiences. I come to a conclusion that (CTOC) common things occur commonly. The fact that my beta is 17 on 12dpo or 9dp3dt. It is low. Based on the CTOC theory, my chances for a bfp is 10% while a bfn is 90%. To think about it, a bfn is not that bad, it is better than a miscarriage and it is better than an ectopic pregnancy of both i had suffered in the past.

So, these are my rough plans on what i am going to do if it's a bfn

1. Go to the Thai brewery Tawadang @ dempsey and drink to my heart's content.
2. Treat myself to a Kyoto Bird Poo facial. (A special bird droppings collected and processed with stringent control in Japan, it suppose to be really great for the skin) 
3. Weekly Balinese Massage.
4. Begin to jog twice a week.
5. Go on a healthy weight lost diet.
6. Take up course in cake decorating on royal icing at Artistiq Sugarcraft
7. Bake more cakes, decorate more cakes and give as gifts.
8. Go to the newly opened Universal Studio and have fun with family.
9. Plan for a short weekend holiday in Feb
10. Tag along with husband to a conference held in Austria in March. Bring the kids along.
11. Groom myself better. Stop neglecting my outer appearance.

If its a bfp, there is only 1 thing i want to do. That is smile all day all night long. :)

With patience, my desire for a 3rd child will come true. 10% chance that it might be this round... 90% chance it might be the next few rounds (1 FET and 2 fresh cycles before i call it quits by end of 2011).

Letter to my one last embryo

Hope or no hope....

3 days ago, i did my pregnyl hcg booster injection and 2 days back, i did a beta hcg blood test (10 dpo or 7dp3dt) my beta was 23. The result on 10dpo was inconclusive as its only 1 day after my booster injection, the hcg booster med would have still be in my system. Today, I did another beta blood test and my beta is 17. It is again, inconclusive it seem. My hcg booster med in my system would have fallen quite a bit over 3 days... but how do i interpret the beta of 17 for 12 dpo? Still hcg booster residue?? Or bfp??? You see, I thought i will skip POAS this time by going to get my beta done early at the hospital lab, it was a silly thing to do... I am in more agony then if i had depended on POAS.
 
To make things trickier, the nurse called and told me that i should come in for beta blood test on 27th instead of 25th as previously scheduled as it slipped her mind that that i was on hcg booster shots. So this coming Thursday. I will know better by then.

My tummy is so bloated due to water retention, i feel like i have gained lots of weight from not moving much and not exercising. I truly feels like a hippo. I dont want to be a sad hippo and have bfn. I want to be a happy hippo with a bfp. I feel so horrible right now, thinking that this ivf no. 6 or if i counted the FET, it will be IVF cycle no. 8 might ended as a negative... I will be heart broken. The truth is, i really dont know if I can get pregnant with this cycle. I really dont wish it to be negative. I just been dealt with a BFN last month with my FET, i am not ready for another BFN so soon. I pray for divine intervention.

PUPO

I just discovered a new fertility term after being in this IVF circle for almost 6 years.
PUPO! It's pregnant until proven otherwise. I am PUPO!

3dp3dt updates

As i have planned, i came back from my japan holiday and got into the serious business of ivf. I had a fantastic trip, Kyoto's autumn is magical.

I did my FET in the beginning of December 2010. 2 frosties were thawed and transferred. Both are day 3 embryos at 3 and 4 cells respectively.  After 4 days of bedrest, Christmas feasting and many POAS later, i got a bfn blood test.

I embarked on a fresh IVF the following cycle. My doc recommended that I add in growth hormones for this cycle. I took it. My ER was on 12th Jan 2011, collected 13 eggs ( thats quite a good number for me) , 12 mature and 7 fertilised with ICSI. Fertilization rate was not so fantastic at about 60% compared to 100% the last fresh cycle. ET was on 15th Jan 2011.  Transferred 3 good quality day 3 embryos of 6, 8, 8 cells.

So here am I, 3dp3dt. My embryos are 6 days old now and anytime from today and the next 3 days. It should implant and nestled onto my uterus. My beta blood test is on the 24th of Jan. I have a good feeling about this round. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying for a BFP.

FET after Japan Kyoto Holiday Trip

Its been a few months since I've written an entry here. My 2nd child will be 1 year old this November. I have been fine, i am still chubby, weighing 64kgs, still struggling to control my diet with not much enthusiasm. I guess at the back of my mind, I figured that I am going to gain weight if i get pregnant again so might as well just wait till I'm done with child bearing before i start some serious dieting.  Well, that's the way i justify for now. :)

I will be travelling to Kyoto for a short holiday in Nov. When I'm back, I will begin prepping my body for FET by taking Clomid when my November menses begins, if all goes well, my transfer will be in mid December.

The abouts

About Weaning
My little baby is going to be 8 months soon. How time flies. I have been breastfeeding her until about a week ago. I switched her from breast to bottle formula and expressed breast milk. And when mommy feels a little sad about weaning her, I latch her on my breast for comfort feeding. Comfort for mommy and baby.

 About Self Image
Lately, I have been meeting up with mothers and some of them are so slim and still looking so attractive. I cant help feeling like a frumpy cow. Where did i leave my self esteem at? I need to go find my 'element' again. But seriously, when my tummy rumbles, i feed it, and i feel it well. Sometimes, I smother it with too much. The thought of depriving myself from the one thing that gives me pleasure and comfort ( glorious food!) still seems too hard on me.

About IVF again
I desire to have more children. And i think having 3 kids to love sounds very very fulfilling as a family. So, in order to have a shot at getting a 3rd child. I need to have my menses back. Where are you menses? I plan to use my 2 frozen embryos on the 3rd menses cycle. My frosties are not the best quality. One is 4 cells and another is 3 cells and both are day 3 embies. Well, a try is a try. I hope against hope that I will be successful and that i don't have to resort to rounds of IVFs to get there.

Cheeky quote of the Day

If you want to win a race you have to go a little berserk

reading my past blog entry

I wrote this 1 day after my ectopic pregnancy surgery 1 year ago dated 6 november 08.

 Be patient with life,

despite its cruelty. 

Often it seems careless of our pain,

but just as often brings us hope again.

I gave birth to my daughter in 9 Nov 09... And Life..... did brings hope to me again.

Whoever out there who is TTCing.... dont give up.. keep the faith.

Am i done yet?

My baby is 2 months old now. I feel like i have known her for a long time, maybe because i have waited for her for a long time.

How is life after IVF like? Its like I am almost forgetting those endless cycles of IVF, those emotional roller coaster rides and those tears that had fallen during the process.

Its like I've travelled a long and rough journey to reach home and once I've reached my destination.......... amnesia sets in on the past and I simply enjoy being where I am now. This blog remains a reminder of this journey, for each stressful moment, each cry or fuss from my baby is a reminder of my victory of which i am grateful of. My Ivf journey continues to inspire me in strength.

I have 2 more frozen embryos which i plan to use in near future. I have decided that 2010 will be an IVF-free year. I will most likely go on a thaw cycle in early 2011. If i am really really really lucky, I may get a viable pregnancy from it and have a 3rd child. Will i undergo another round of fresh IVF cycle? I really cant say now... part of me feels like I am done with IVF and contented with 2 kids... part of me feels like ....... i can try one more time. Afterall, I am 33 yrs old now and technically, IVF is still hopeful for the next few years of my lifespan.

Whatever it is.... 2010 is an IVF-free year for me.....

Welcoming baby

 My bundle of joy has arrived. Ohhhhh....! All's worth it... all's worth it....

one last night of pregnancy

Many bfns ago, i would imagine the future of seeing my baby for the first time. Today, as i am typing this.. i realised how far this ivf journey has taken me... i am about to have my dream materialised tomorrow.

I thank God for all the blessings and the wisdom to keep going..

2 more days to C section

2 more days to the big day!

im going to see my baby !!!

im excited but scared too...

i am feeling so tired already, i wonder how i am going to survive the sleepless nights..

everything seems so surreal...

btw i feel like a beach whale now..

:)

35 weeks plus update

i had a 35 weeks growth scan a couple of days back, results were good except for my AFI level. AFI stands for amniotic fluid index or something, in short ... the water surrounding my baby in the water bag is on the lower side. The average acceptable range should be above 5cm and below 24cm. I was measuring 7cm. Anything below 5cm is not good, so i need to be closely monitored since im a borderline low AFI case. I am instructed to drink at least 3 litres of water and rest more on my left side. I am getting my AFI checked again in 4 days time and i hope my levels will be better by then.

I have decided not to try VBAC. I will opt for elective cesarean instead. I feel that its a safer route for my baby. Reason being :

1. had a previous C section hence 1 % chance of uterine rupture.
2. gestational diabetes
3. low AFI level of 7cm

On the bright side, my baby is growing well and is around 2.5kg now. I am looking forward to seeing my baby. Its been a long journey from IVF ttc till now.
I feel very blessed to be where i am now.

Hi !

I am 29 weeks now and so far so good. I gained a total of 8 kgs so far and am comtemplating on trying VBAC for delivery if possible. ( VBAC stands for vagina birth after ceasarean). I just started insulin injection twice a day due to my gestational diabetes. So I never stopped pricking myself with needles since IVF till now ... A typical day will be.. 7 finger pricks for monitoring my blood glucose and 2 jabs... its so not fun but i will have to do it.

I am so looking forward to having this baby in about 2 months time. Will post an entry on my labour story in due time.

My last entry - The silver lining

I went to National University Hospital yesterday for my NT Scan. Everything went well, thankfully. I saw my baby and i was sure my baby waved at me and gave me a thumbs up from the ultrasound.

My husband who has been a little reserved in expressing his joy over my pregnancy for self preservation purposes ... is very happy and assured now. I could tell that he is very touched and glad that we finally made it to where we are now.

I am closing the chapter to my IVF journey, maybe i'll begin a new chapter somewhere else on blog sphere on my further journey of pregnancy. After all, this blog is dedicated to readers in a way of providing my personal ivf experiences and information. After a few years of ttc for child no. 1 and then two over years with a total of 5 ICSI IVFs, 1 FET and 2 heartbreaking pregnancy lost , hitting over 21,000 blog hits and finally a 12 weeks bfp, Its time to move on, its job is done.

If there is one thing i have to be thankful for for my IVF experiences. It would be that it didnt break me and made me stronger..
- My faith is stronger
- My relationship is more resilient
- I am more appreciative of life
- the ivf objective is reached

To anyone who is reading this and undergoing IVF....please take heart that no matter how short or long your IVF journey may be..... hang tough and have faith.

For your cause is noble and the end result will be sweet and rewarding, in its own special way.


Meanwhile, I will be embracing this pregnancy wholeheartedly and pray to God for his continuous blessings and protection.

God Bless

Failed my glucose tolerance test - OGTT

On my last visit to the gynae, I was advised to do a OGTT which is usually reserved for pregnant ladies after 20 weeks. He thought that since I have a strong family history of diabetes and and the fact that I had gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy, that makes me a suspect.

I did my 2 hours oral glucose test challenge ( OGTT ) and i failed it. I am diagnosed with impaired glucose tolerance! Which means i am a prediabetic! There goes all the sweet stuffs, cakes, pastries, soda etc.

I bought a little machine to measure my glucose level. the brand is Accu-chek. I have to prick my fingers up to 7 times a day to monitor my glucose level. How fun! Duh! :(

I am 10 weeks now and i get to stop using crinone and pregnyl. And in 2 weeks time, I get to stop all my medications ( duphaston, progynova, proluton ). By then, my placenta should have swing into full function.

I gained some weight too. I started this cycle of IVF at 60kg, I was 62kg at 2 ww and I am 63.9kg now! Thats like a whooping 8 pounds in total.

I really need to be controlling what I eat, but seriously i didnt eat more than pre-IVF. May be my metabolism rate has slowed down alot and I am into the pregnancy fat conservation mode. I gained 28kg (60 pounds ) in my previous pregnancy. I really should be keeping my maximum weight gain to below 15kg this time round.