I like rainy windy weather

Today is such a day, its a windy and rainy morning. I didnt realise how wonderful it is until the strong wind started blowing into my bedroom window, filling my room with a sweet fresh dewy aroma of nature, the wind on my skin felt good too. It took away my morning sickness for a moment and everything smells so great. The sky is overcasted and the usually bright hot sunniness is mellowed down to a gentle tone. How soothing. 

Here is a list of things i want to get started:

1. Put my apartment up for sale

2. Store away clothings that are too tight and take out the loose ones from the sotrage bag. 

3. Shift my makeup stuff to another drawer thats out of reach from my daughter. 

4. Find healthy meal plans that are friendlier to my gastric and morning sickness.

5. Make conscious effort to watch my sugar intake. 

8 weeks 6 days ultrasound scan update

I went to the gynae today for my 8 weeks 6 days scan. I had a tummy scan and get to see my little peanut. Little peanut is 21mm in size with a heartbeat of 172beats per minute. Peanut is measuring just right. The thing is, my blood pressure test didn't turn out normal. I was 138/80, which is kinda high. The last time i did, it was rather high too. Gynae thought that it could be due to my anxiety knowing im going to get my scan right after. Or i could really be having high blood pressure! Gosh. I need to google a bit more on 1st trimester high blood pressure.  I am hoping its just the anxiety, will do the pressure test again tonight when im very relaxed. 

Gynae also told me to do a glucose challenge test since i had previous case of gestational diabetes,also he thinks that gestational diabetes can occur right from 1st trimester. i will be going to the hospital to do that 3 hours drink-glucose hourly-blood test thingy. I hope the test turns out fine. 

Did i mention that I am having morning sickness since 6 weeks? I don't puke, but i feel really queasy. The queasiness feels like seasickness. Gastric discomfort is also another pain in the butt, I feel like nothing gets digested and all the food i intake just seat around. Oh and the sense of smell... the air smells now, my dogs smells, everything smells. Some smell even became pungent. I am always tired too, sometimes dizzy. My tummy is hard and bloated too, I think i am suffering from some water retention, I look 5 months pregnant now.  the other day, I told my hubby that my tummy was feeling really hard and distended, he told me its just accumulated fats since i lay around so much now. I wish he was more tactful.

Still, I am grateful. After 5 fresh ICSI rounds and 1 FET..... i am just so grateful to be almost 9 weeks pregnant and counting on. 

Thank you God!

Officially a SAHM now

For the next many months, I have decided to focus on family and pregnancy. To officiate my first day as a Stay at home mom, I baked my first set of chocolate cupcakes together with my daughter who is turning 3 this july. 

I used to work part time doing fund raising, event organization and IT projects for a feminist organization here in singapore. This is my first real experience with working in a Voluntary  Welfare Organization. I gained lots of fun and valuable experiences from the work and projects and also on knowing how a VWO is run. I also experienced working in a office space in a residential area, under a hdb residential housing flat, from the window where i was sitting, i got to see neighbourhood children playing ball and grannies and mothers scrolling by with their strollers after marketing. It was a peaceful view compared to the usual city skyscapers view i had while i was working full time in  corporate companies awhile back.  With my freed up time now, I can also consider the option of volunteering once in a while in a charity that is closer to my heart, also getting interested in new things and taking up handicraft lessons. 

I have experienced being a stay home mom when i was pregnant with my daughter,  then continued to not work until she was about 2years old. That's almost 3 full years of stay home mom life. I guess i will be doing the same again, but this time, I hope to help out a little more with my husband's business. 

If i have to express my view on sahm vs working, I would say for both.. that i love it and hate it. I love working because of the identity thingy and the satisfaction i get from a work well done and for knowing im capable of financial independence. I hate it at the same time because of the occasional surges of stress that comes along and also the time i miss with my daughter, i dont feel good leaving her with care-giver. 

Actually, being a stay at home mom is a privilege... but privileges can be easily abused too, like i can get really laid back to the point of guilt instead of being focus on family and self improvement sometimes. I hope this time round, I will make use of my time alot better and feel proud doing all the things to make this family cozier and this household better and everyone including myself, happier.  I have to be contented that the grass will always seem greener on the other side when going get tough. :)

Right now,  whats most important to me is to continue this pregnancy and pray that this pregnancy will be smooth, healthy and normal. After all, i came a long ivf way to reach this point, i would like to stay pregnant and deliver this miracle if i have a choice.   

How big is your baby?

	Weeks 3 & 4*: Poppyseed Your little zygote is settling into your uterus... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 5: Appleseed Average size: .13 in** Major organs and systems are forming... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 6: Sweet Pea Average size: .25 in Blood is starting to circulate...  > More on what baby's up to
	Week 7: Blueberry Average size: .51 in Baby's brain is growing fast... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 8: Raspberry Average size: .63 in, .04 oz Little arms and legs are moving like crazy...  > More on what baby's up to
	Week 9: Green Olive Average size: .9 in, .07 oz A Doppler device might pick up a heartbeat... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 10: Prune Average size: 1.2 in, .14 oz Arm joints are working, and soon legs will too... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 11: Lime Average size: 1.6 in, .25 oz Fingers and toes are no longer webbed...  > More on what baby's up to
	Week 12: Plum  Average size: 2.1 in, .49 oz Almost all vital systems are fully formed...  > More on what baby's up to
	Week 13: Peach Average size: 2.9 in, .81 oz Teeth and vocal cords are appearing...  > More on what baby's up to
	Week 14: Lemon Average size: 3.4 in, 1.5 oz Liver, kidney and spleen are continuing to develop... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 15: Naval Orange Average size: 4.0 in, 2.5 oz Legs are finally longer than arms... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 16: Avocado Average size: 4.6 in, 3.5 oz Eyebrows, lashes and hair are filling in...  > More on what baby's up to
	Week 17: Onion Average size: 5.1 in, 5.9 oz Skeleton is hardening, and fat is accumulating... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 18: Sweet Potato Average size: 5.6 in, 6.7 oz Baby's moving like crazy -- feel anything yet? > More on what baby's up to
	Week 19: Mango Average size: 6.0 in, 8.5 oz Vernix caseosa is coating baby's skin... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 20: Cantaloupe Average size: 6.5 in, 10.6 oz Boy or girl, genitals are fully formed... > More on what baby's up to
	Week 21: Banana Average size: 10.5 in***, 12.7 oz Taste buds are starting to work... > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 21-24 (Month 5): Papaya Average size: 10.5-11.8 in, 12.7-20.8 oz Nipples are sprouting, and face is fully formed! > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 25-28 (Month 6): Eggplant Average size: 13.6-14.8 in, 1.5-2.2 lb Immune system is preparing for the outside world...  > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 29-32 (Month 7): Squash Average size: 15.2-16.7 in, 2.5-3.8 lb Sleeping and waking cycles are establishing... > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 33-36 (Month 8): Honeydew Average size: 17.2-18.7 in, 4.2-5.8 lb Growth is slowing, and baby may soon descend...  > More on what baby's up to
	Weeks 37-Delivery (Month 9): Watermelon Average size: 18.9-20.9 in, 6.2-9.2 lb Full term! Baby's finally ready for the outside world... > More on what baby's up to

7th week

For those who been wondering what been happening to me, I am happy to say... I am fine. :)

Today i am exactly 7 weeks pregnant. I went for my ultrasound and i finally get to hear my baby's heartbeat!

Before today, i have been so anxious. I really wondered how i survived everyday with that amount of anxiety i had.

I am so grateful now. 

Virtual Therapy for the Soul

http://www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com/

opps

Accidently deleted my previous post while trying to edit it, feeling a little sorry for losing all those wonderful comments. :(

 

My birthday gift

A close friend asked me this question.

" What do you want for your birthday this year?"

I said " I want a positive pregnancy test, my beta test happens to be 1 day before my 32nd birthday"

my friend then asked " What if....... ?? "

I said " honestly, at this moment, i dont even want to think about the what ifs, i just want to be completely freely naively recklessly positively optimistic. "

some updates of IVF

My IVF process went smoothly and I praise God for it. I started my cycle with an antral follicle count which reflected a low count of 6 to 7. I always had low antral follicle count and am a low responder since my first cycle years back, so this was expected.

I had 11 days of puregon injection at 600iu daily and 4 doses of orgulatron injection. This time, my follicles grow very synchronously. My egg retrieval went really smoothly. I had 7 eggs retrieved and 5 of them were matured. This was a very good number of eggs for me, considering my low antral follicle count. Thank God for that.

I did a day 3 embryo transfer yesterday afternoon. Out of my 5 mature eggs, all 5 fertilized with ICSI and all 5 made it to day 3 with no fragmentation. I transferred 3 embryos of 9 cells, 6 cells, and 4 cells thats about to multiply. I get to have 2 of my extra embryos freeze! Its really amazing for me, this is the best IVF process I had.

I did nothing special this round. I just stop worrying so much, I rely completely on God's grace and the professionalism of the doctor. My doctor and hubby being away for that 2 days did not affect the process as it just so happened that my ER and ET were done after.

My hubby held my hands while i still lay in bed and prayed each morning during the entire IVF. He prays the most heartfelt lovely prayer each morning, about his yearning for a child, for my health, for our family. His faith gave me strength and took most of my worries away.

A few other blessings in our lives right now are, my pekingese dog who was on medication everyday for the past 2 years has finally recovered from his chronic illness and is now without medication and doing well.

My daughter had flu and recovered really quickily from it without passing it to me or my hubby during the ivf process.

Funny how, prior to beginning this cycle, we were so worryied that it manifested as a very angry me and a 'zoned out' hubby. But it turned out to such a smooth cycle.

Now i begin my 2 weeks wait. :)

MercyMe - Bring the Rain

desperation level test

The beginning of my 5th IVF started with

1. beginning ivf on a friday the 13th.
2. hubby scheduled for 2 days overseas work trip around hcg trigger time.
3. gynae going away for 3 days around hcg trigger time.
4. accepting that the nurses at the clinic of choice seemed even more confused than i am.
5. very upset with workaholic hubby for being very neglectful and dismissive.
6. proceeding with the ivf knowing all of the above.

Shucks! I really dont think that starting in a happy mood or a messed up mood does any difference to my ivf outcome.

I need to be keeping my stress level down. I am keeping my eyes closed this time, whatever the outcome.. its meant to be... doesnt matter if i started IVF with great nurses or on a good date.

Damn, i am feeling so angry having to cope with this bloody anxiety again. But angry or not, in my heart, I am crying out for a favourable outcome.

Welcome to my IVF Antagonist day 1 of Puregon 600iu injection. Round 5.. I will survive and thrive.. Posterity will follow!

long hair going short hair

yesterday, I did something totally crazy.
I went to Shunji Matsuo Hair Salon at Wellington building and the Japanese Hair Stylist asked me what i wanted, I want a change in my hairstyle...dont want my hair to stick to the sides of my head as they were limp. He suggested he would style it short or keep it long and perm it.

I decided to just choose what i am not comfortable with as the inertia for change was high , you see, I have been wearing my hair the same way for the past 20 years.

Same goes for the colouring, i chose warm copper tone instead of my usual cool yellow based tone.

Now, i have face length short hair with a warm red tone. . . ..Still, I am not so sure about going red, I am still trying to get use to it... But i think generally it did turn out fine .

A friend text messenged me the nicest thing in my moment of neediness after i chopped off my long hair..

" Cutting of long hair signifies leaving the old behind and starting a brand new beginning. I look forward to see a brand new you with a fresh outlook in your life! "

How sweet!

Always been undergoing IVF as a long hair girl... I am looking forward to a successful one in roughly 10 days as a short hair girl!! :)

Coming soon

I will be starting my 5th IVF cycle in roughly 2 weeks time. The protocol of choice is Antagonist and the hospital of choice is Gleneagles Medical Centre.

Meanwhile, Happy Chinese Lunar New Year!

my 2009 resolution

A friend who is into fengshui told me that this morning is my golden lock hours. A good time to write down my resolutions for the year. Here it goes.

1. Plan for up to 3 rounds of IVF this year to have another child.

- im in the process of looking for a new fertility doctor. I have consulted with Prof S C Ng in gleneagles www.ogpartners.com. He recommended i do a natural IVF cycle since i am a low responder. My alternatives are LC Cheng at Thomson Medical Centre and Roland Chieng of SGH.

- have a smooth pregnancy and a smooth delivery and a healthy 2nd child

2. Control my weight, improve health ( portion control, make wise choices, exercise)

- portion control ; Scoop the amount of food i need only my plate before i begin tucking in. If eating out, do not finish up whatever is on my plate during each meal

- Make wise food choices; choose healthier less calories, more nutritious food.

- do not snack on tidbits

- exercise : before ivf begins, jog for 20 mins, at least 2 times a week.

3. Get new hobbies, re-visit old ones. Relax , sit down, allow myself to get interested and read a book . 1 good book a month. Learn new skills like baking , have fun with cooking, explore...

4. Acknowledge that i am free to be me, no circumstances, no person is stopping me from living joyously me.

5. Be a supportive wife to my husband and a loving mother to my daughter

2008 year end reflection

After reading my sister's blog entry on the 15 things she did that matters to her, i have decided to do the same here in my blog.

This is the list of 15 things i have done that matters to me in my life

1. Giving birth to my daughter and becoming a mother

2. Getting married to my husband

3. Pursued my degree while working full time in my 20s

4. Getting to spend the last few years of my beloved dog zacky's life together

5. Not giving up, still marching on to fulfil my desire of having a second child thru IVF

6. Finding faith in Christ

7. Having a good relationship with my parents, my sister and my brother

8. Having Leo and Merlin the pekingeses as my pets

9. Re-entering the workforce after being sahm, In a way, have proven to myself of my Independence

10. Had shared my growing up years with 3 pet dogs.. Zacky Bobby and Brandy.

11. Maintaining good friends, few but real friends

12. My desire to be a better person for others and redefining that definition this year to being a better person for myself so i can be better for others..

13. Supportive of my husband's career move to have his own practice

14. My unfailing attempt to want to improve things that matters to me like my appearance, health, relationships, life skills, lifestyle, knowledge, wisdom and faith.

15. My husband, my daughter, my mom, my dad , my sister and my brother are the most important people in my life and thankful that they are all doing well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

stood on both sides of the field

over the months, i have came to find support with some fertility bloggers on the internet. some who started roughly a year ago on this ivf journey.. cycling with me through one of my ivf cycles.. are now about to deliver their babies soon. people like them give me hope that one day, the nest within my belly will be filled with life..But, at the same time, its tough being on the ' empty nest side'. 

i am battling secondary infertility since i already have a beautiful girl, and its still tough. 

Having said all these, there is no testimony if there is no test. I hope i will be able to give a beautiful testimony here in a future not too far away from now.

I feel that i have grown up with these experiences..  

A meaningful link

Remembering the true meaning of Christmas.

http://www.lordsprayermovie.com/

Some updates

My period finally came after estimated of 6 weeks post ectopic surgery. It came on the 15th Dec. Assuming its regulated now, I will have 2 more regular cycles before i begin IVF in Feb 09.

Yesterday,I went for my lasik to correct my vision. :)

So inconclusion , i have began working on every item i mentioned in the list below. And have completed some...

I am giving myself a pat on the back for making changes.

things i plan to do before 2008 ends

1. Go to the dentist for annual checkup/cleaning

2. Lasik Surgery to correct my eyesight

3. Go to the gym 3 times a week

4. Diet portion control

5. Eat a fruit everyday

6. Consciously put my expectations aside and treat my husband with more love and concern

7. Learn how to read the bible in a systematic way so i can one day complete it.

8. Put in more attention of my outer appearance.

9. Take supplements

10. Be at peace completely with where i am now

The IVF Train

This morning, I prayed that my morning will be filled with peace and happiness. I am sick of feeling down in the dumps. I have been having a mug of beer every now and then to sooth my entangled nerves. I only allow myself 1 mug a day as i have to take care of my body for the next IVF cycle. Hopefully, i wont be needing to calm my nerves with alcohol really soon.

Begin on a long IVF journey is like trying to catch a train, just that the train doesnt stop for me.. I have to run and try to jump on the moving train.

Some occasion , I didnt catch up with it and was left behind waiting for the next train.

some times, I ran and jumped onto the speeding train, only to fall out of the train before i could find myself a place to sit.

And sometimes, I managed to get on board, found a cozy seat, made some pregnant friends on the train who were also heading to babyland station... but only to be thrown out of the moving train at high speed. This was the case of my ectopic.

Will i ever reach babyland again? Do i dare run after a train again? .... I must and i have to.. My 2nd child is waiting for me at the end of the train journey, its a destination i have to reach.

For the year 2009, should Feb cycle not work out, i will try again in June, and if that didnt work out.. I will try again in Oct. Thats my plan for 2009.

Meanwhile, waiting for the next train, I can either wait with fear and sadness with emotional baggage from my previous ectopic experience, or soak in the warmth of the sun, do some exercising and live some life... and look forward with anticipation. My choice.

I ha vent posted here for a while, not because i didn't think of doing so and hadn't visit my own blog. Its just that each time i want to write an entry, it ends up looking and feeling pathetic.

Anyway, some updates. I am in this strange twilight zone where my emotions swing like a pendulum. One moment i am fine, the next moment i feel like the whole world is against me and that i am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen on me. I am very short-wired in temper and feel like nobody in the world cares if I pass on tomorrow. I guess i was in a state of post-ivf-ectopic-surgery-depression.

My relationship with my husband is affected too. I expected him to be my pillar and make me feel better about myself and about the whole thing. And at the same time be able to pacify, comfort and attend to my bruised feelings. I am disappointed.
It makes me realise that I am in control and fully responsible of my own happiness.
I still love my husband alot and i know he loves me too. Well, many articles mentioned about relationship strain as part of the post ivf failure issues, i thought it was crap.. until this round of IVF. I need to overcome this depression and be myself again.

My daughter is down with fever and diarrhea, i have been worried and lack of sleep.
Today she is better. I am glad.

Spanish Song to bring you somewhere else in the world

In the process for looking for a breathe of fresh air .. I was introduced to this wonderful Spanish band Mana and its hit 'Rayando el Sol'. i have included the song in my blog.

The world is such a big place, .. somewhere in another beautiful place and another lovely culture... A love song tune that reminds me that there are so many spectrum and new things in life i havent explored. That life itself is bigger than the cocoon i have unconsciously built around me, and how i have let infertility 'super glued' me to this 'confinement'. Lets listen to this Spanish song together while you are here in my blog.

Some translation of part of the lyrics :

Rayando el sol, oeooo desesperación...
es más fácil llegar al sol que a tu
corazón oooo me muero por ti oeooo

It's easier to get to the sun/to be near the sun..then get close to your heart

am i bipolar or what

There is something magical about early morning breeze that makes you remember everything wonderful in your life. I was sitting at my desk this morning feeling pretty despondent, and then I got a whiff of the early morning fresh air that lead to the listening of birds chirping. I breathed that air in as if it was the last I would ever have.

Then i got transported back to my current existance. I know they say that God will never give you more than you can bear...but I'm pushing my limit now. Something got to give soon. I've tried positive-thinking, pretend it doesn't exist, grin and bear it, smile and the world smiles with you thoughts, but now,I'm just tired, tired, tired. And my face hurts from forcing the smile through all the tears.

The 3rd cycle IVF wait

Planning to begin my next antagonist protocol IVF on the begining of my 3rd menses cycle. So... what am i going to do from now to make my body all ready for it? I have tried TCM, Accupunture, DHEA... all benefitted me somewhat.

This time, I need a breathe of freshair. I am considering going au natural... A friend of mine recommended that i look for a naturopath. Its something i havent considered before and totally new to. I will be researching more on naturopath and infertility and will share with you my findings in the next few post. This is going to be fun.

A few things I think its compulsory during this wait.

-regular exercise to build up health
- fruits and vegetables
- vitamin C, E and folic
- wheatgrass
- enough sleep
- less stress
- positive thoughts

I am looking forward to doing all the above and will need to come out with a schedule for my game plan. :)

12 new things i plan to do

1. Shift my bedroom's furniture to a completely new arrangement. (done that yesterday)

2. Begin healthy eating and portion control

3. Take Omega 3 oil, folic acid, vitamin C, vitamin E for supplement

4. Throw out things that's taking up space in my drawers. the ones i don't need and not used for years.

5. Read a good story book from beginning to the end and really let my imaginations bring me away to the plot like how things was before all these struggles with fertility. ( do recommend me some good ones that you think i should read )

6. Enroll my daughter in a once or twice a week enrichment centre. She is 2 yrs 4 months now.

7. Begin exercise once my surgery area heals completely.

8. Bring bmi down to between 21 to 23.

9. Be positive, smell the flowers and learn how to reabsorb mini pleasures in life.

10. Take the Christmas Tree out of the box and decorate it.

11. Consciously seek out what I have not sought out before. Be open to new experiences, new sources of information.

12. Have Faith in God's plan.

i think im depressed? I like to think im healing

Yesterday i went back to work as there was a deadline for a proposal to be submitted. When i got back to the office. My desk has been taken over by the new general manager they hired. Let me give you some background understanding, I am a graduate who decided not to continue with a full time career for the sake of work live balance. I am hired by this company as a contract hourly paid worker, they told me i will be in charge of the operations manager portfolio of the charity organization. I work 2 days a week.

When the new full time staff walked into the office, she told me my seat is assigned to her now. I said to her" are you saying I'm bumped out of my desk" she said, yes since you are here on part time basis. I decided to end the war there and started packing my files and stuffs and computer files and let her have that seat. Honestly, i am just too exhausted from my pregnancy lost and surgery to react to this. There were no available computers left in the office and no desk space too. So i went around looking for computer parts (cpu sitting at the corner, monitor at the other, wires etc) Good thing i know how to fix up a computer, I sat on the floor of the mini library where there is a desk space for me there.. and set up the computer to working condition. Then i dust off a layer of dust from the table, set aside the old newspaper cuttings and arrange my files nicely on my make shift new desk space. The new manager felt bad and came to offer help and i told her calmly " don't you worry, it isn't your fault, its just that the situation is such and we'll make do with it"

I told my husband about what happened and he told me that maybe the boss wanted me out now that they finally hire a full timer. I told him that they dont need to do that because my contract has ended and they just need not renew it if they want me to leave, they just given me a renewal. Then he concluded that thats how things are if you are a hourly paid person, the organization always treats a full time worker with more value and commitment. I told him his words aint making me feel better. All i wanted was him to speak gently with comfort and maybe suggest something sweet to do later. Anyway i got the proposal done and submitted yesterday. I left the office at 4.30pm to drop off the proposal at the donor's office. After i dropped it off, I walked pass a very crowded temple along waterloo street. The temple praying area spread to the outside of the main entrance. I was overwhelmed with a sudden sadness and neediness and felt drawn to go in and cry my eyes out. I left.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad. Husband and I went for a short walk and i felt frustrated with him for making me feel so alone. I sat by my condominium pool and felt tears in my eyes. So here am i now, I think its part and parcel of the grief process.

My dog is a pig!

A couple of months ago, I adopted a 5 years old pekingese. His name is Merlin, he was given up twice by 2 owners and stayed in a petshop for a long time. He is a pretty local pekingese and i felt sorry for him so i decided not to buy a puppy and adopted him instead. I now know the reason why he was given up twice. He got a wonderful sweet personality, but is always mildly cautious and stiffens up when carried, thats ok for me, i can understand why. BUT its this other reason that i know caused his pathetic plight, HE SNORES LIKE A PIG WITH MICROPHONE! I mean it! i tolerated him for months sleeping right beside me in the airconditioned bedroom of mine as i didnt want to chase one dog out while my other get to sleep in with me. But let me tell you, Merlin really snores really loudly, he snores louder than my dad whom is the loudest snorer i know of. In fact, merlin's snoring can be heard 2 closed door rooms away. So for the first time last night, I decided to not let merlin into my bedroom, he barked half the night, scratched on my door the other half and what ever left over time that he's asleep, his snores echoed through my closed door! Anyway, he's a lucky dude i've made a commitment to keep him the day i took him home.


Ok, enough said about this pigdog of mine. This is a photo of the culprit.

Sunshining morning

Every morning, i wake up feeling a little better. Today is one such morning. This incident did not deter me from believing in my baby dreams. I think in some cosmic way, it made me more receptive to the good things i already have in my life.

Trying to understand..

I still couldnt bring myself to write about my ectopic experience because each time i try, i will choke up in tears. Right now, my mind is in a fog and my heart is fill with guilt of allowing the surgery to be done to remove that beating heart.Do i have a choice really?

Someone left me a poem on my comments page, it stirred my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I have cut and paste it here in this entry to share it with all mothers who has lost an unborn child.

I miss my baby that i have no chance to hold in my arms. The sound of the beating heart that i hear on 4th Nov will forever be ingrained in me and left a footprint in my heart.

-------------------------
What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother
and I know I heard him say...

"A mother has a baby."
This we know is true.
But can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He said with confidence in His voice.
"I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for a day.
Some I send to fill your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this,
God. I want my baby here.
" He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear. "

I wish that I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

'We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh, so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh, so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, don't be sad today.
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So, you see, my dear sweet one,
your child is okay.
Your baby is here in my home and
this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
She'll be at the gates for you.

So, now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not see
you're a mother with a child.
They'll be up here with me
one day and know you've always been one."

Broken pieces

Be patient with life,

despite its cruelty.

Often it seems careless of our pain,

But just as often brings us hope again.

My unborn child is right now in heaven and one day I will come face to face and be reunited. Please forgive me for what i did.

I will continue, IVF #5 in feb 09'.

meanwhile, i am picking up the broken pieces..

finding strength in the comfort in well wishes.

A cruel twist

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life.

I had my scan and saw a beating heartbeat.

The ultrasound lady face turned grim.

It was ectopic pregnancy.

Doctor told me it can be life threatening and i need surgery immediately.

Was advise to remove my fallopian tube and risk the potential malfunctioning of my ovaries.

Decided against it and went to Gleneagles hospital for more scans to make sure its not a cruel joke.

After 4 scans at 4 different labs. I went in for surgery to remove the child i fought so hard for.

Managed to save my fallopian tube.

I went from joy, to delusion to hysterically sad, to numbness now over the past 24 hours.

My pregnancy is over.

423am on a sleepless night

I went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 2.30am. I have been tossing and turning in bed and just couldnt get myself to sleep. I was dreaming about a meeting i had yesterday in the office with a group of theatre production folks and i woke up worrying about the steep quotation they have given me and how if this fund raising theatre event will be successful or not. I couldnt get it off my mind, so i watched some television, still it didnt work..so i turned off the lights and tried to sleep again. My mind wondered off and begin worrying about other things, like the IT project that im handling at work and how everything cost money for the charity organization and how i can help lower the expenses. I worried about the bad economic news and the recession. Then i began to worry about not being able to carry my daughter these past weeks and if my daughter will feel neglected etc. I just couldnt stop my mind from worrying worrying worrying.... I feel so inadequate and insecure now I want to dig a hole and hide myself.

Having said all these, I know why i am awake now in the middle of the night.. It is because in roughly 3.5 hours time. I will know if my pregnancy is viable or not after the scan. It is the main source of my restlessness and every other worries i am experiencing at this moment are just a manifestation of that 1 big anxiety.

I look at my dogs sleeping on the floor in my bedroom and i wondered what is going through their minds, maybe they can sense my anxiety.. maybe they r just little naive creatures blessed to be free from worries and stress unlike us human beings.

I feel like crying now. I dont know how to cope with this feeling i am having now. I guess the way i feel right now is due to the fact that i have had a previous miscarriage before and i fear having to go through it again. I fear it more than IVF itself..x 10000 times.

Dear heavenly father, please let things go smoothly tomorrow and bless me with a smooth 9 months pregnancy and a healthy child ...

My 6 weeks scan is scheduled tomorrow at 8am. I am so very scared of any setbacks. I think my weak heart wont be able to withstand a blow. Please let my unborn child be healthy and growing well.

My blog has a new look!

I gave my blog a new look. I hope you like it as much as I do. It got a fresher, sweeter, brighter look than the previous dark blue one. I hope the cheery template will brighten your day too.
I did pull a few hairs trying to get it all working correctly. :) Do drop me a message or 2 to let me know I haven't dropped off your radar. :)

I am 6 weeks pregnant today. I am feeling good today and am looking forward to seeing my baby's heartbeat on scan screen soon.

Some early pregnancy symptoms I encountered so far are:
1. Fatigue! I am comatose by 10pm each night.
2. Restless nights; i wake up to pee, i wake up at the sound of my dog's snoring (btw, my dog snores loudly), I wake up at 5am and watch tv to coax myself to sleep again.
3. My pee stinks
4. My gum bleeds when i brush
5. I get hungry very easily and when im hungry i feel uncomfortable.
6. I am alot more emotional lately

baby boy or baby girl better?

I was browsing the singaporemotherhood forum yesterday and i came across a very disturbing entry. Its about this first time mom who remarked that she cried for days when she discovered she was carrying a girl fetus. Her baby is 5 months old now and she said in her entry that she cant love the baby much because of the baby's gender. This entry is written in 2008 by a modern city lady of an unknown race. I felt so disturbed after reading it. I begin to ask myself if somehow she has been conditioned by remarks made by family or friends that a boy child is better than a girl child. Isnt it a mother's duty and nature to love the child regardless of gender?

I need to relate my own personal true experience to you with regards to my first child. When i was pregnant with my first child back in 2005/2006, after all the IVF challenges has settled with a bfp and the 1st trimester went by smoothly.. I began to ponder what sex of a child i would prefer. My family and relatives and even strangers would remark i should have a boy and how its important to have a boy. To be really honest, I felt quite pressurised by these remarks made and I thought to myself maybe its better to have a son and that a son is a better choice.

My husband in fact was the one that was completely unaffected by other's remarks.. and said wholeheartedly that he will really be very happy having a son or a daughter.

During my scan to find out the baby's sex, when i was told i am expecting a girl. I am happy but my happiness was stained with fear that i have somewhat disappointed the old folks of my family. But very quickly within the next few hours, i am already falling in love with my unborn daughter and thought of millions of reasons to myself how in fact... i love having a girl. Like dressing her up, etc.. I love my daughter so much i would give up my life for her now. And i thank God for giving me such a wonderful perfect gift for me. Btw, my fears were uncalled for,my daughter is well loved by the grandparents on both side.

Having said that, I continue to encounter sexual discrimination of my next child's gender. I will still get occasional remark from strangers that i should have a son next. It still put me in an awkward position hearing such lame remarks.

I owe it to my unborn child that I will completely ignore such remarks and will not subject myself to the pressure of gender preference. After going through this much to have a pregnancy, it will be darn stupid and silly and ungrateful of me to not guard my mind towards lame remarks of people who are close or not to me. I dont see why a girl is more inferior than a boy. I dont see why anyone should encourage such a discriminating thought.

So, I am writing this down right now. I will be equally happy.. Really happy .. to have a healthy girl or a healthy boy... and the gift of child will be perfect as it is.

Some thoughts to share

Was browsing the internet when i came across this statement that i find meaningful

"There is no greater strength on earth than a heart's will to persevere"


Here is a great site that showcase unairbrushed real shapes of a mother...
Interesting and worth a visit! .. http://theshapeofamother.com/

feeling so tired today

Its 1.30pm today and i just finished my lunch. I ate wanton noodles and a slice of swiss roll. Feeling really tired now, falling a sleep... dozing. dozzing.. zzzzzzzzzzzz

If beta doubles up nicely, my beta level should be in the thousands now. I am so looking forward to my 6 weeks scan scheduled on the coming tuesday. 7 more days and counting now..

Its public holiday today. Its deepavali, indian's new year celebration.
I found this great pregnancy calendar that helps to keep track of pregnancy progress.
Love it..http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-calendar.php?id=8837

Saturday's meal
-nonya dumpling for breakfast
-gingko barley drink
-chicken porridge x 2 bowls
-dinner at ponggol choon seng at changi
rice
red wine ribs
crispy duck wrap
mee hoon
veg
tofu

Sunday's meal
- 2 slices of wholemeal toast with jam for breakfast
- tim sum + nasi briyani (shared) at vivocity for lunch
- mum's homecooked food
rice
soup
veg
braised pork
curry fish

A previous miscarriage ( over a year ago)

I feel like talking about my previous miscarriage ordeal today. So that you can understand how anyone who been through a miscarriage will feel when they are pregnant again, especially during the 1st trimester. and every moment of a smooth pregnancy is truly a blessed moment itself.

In mid 2007. When i felt ready for IVF again after my girl was 1yr plus, I got a positive which ended in a miscarriage. It happened around the middle of 5th week of pregnancy. I started bleeding, it started with light bleeding which quickly progress to heavy bleeding with clots and cramps. I bedrested for an entire week during the bleeding, only to get up to go to A&E to do scans and were given progesterone injections. After one week of heavy bleeding, the verdict was gloomy... The sac was almost coming out and my cervix was dilated, that fateful night, while i was showering... a big reddish whitish clot in the size of a ping pong ball flowed out of me.. and landed on the floor. I miscarried. I cried my heart out.. The trauma of a miscarriage is very real and very painful and is stuck in my mind forever.

Right now, I am on my 5th week of pregnancy. I am so very scared for reasons you can understand why. I am obsessively checking my panties for any sign of blood stains, and i feel a great sense of relief each time i see clear.

God,please let my pregnancy be a smooth successful one this time, protect my unborn child from any harm, bless the unborn child with health and growth.

Living

Its time to take stock of my overeating. i am going to write down what i eat from yesterday onwards to help keep track and be in control.

Friday 24/10/08
For breakfast @ Delifrance
- half a chicken baquette
- half a bowl of mushroom soup
- a cup of camomile tea

For lunch @ Kuriya Japanese set consist of
- hot plate beef and tofu.
- 1 bowl of rice
- 1 bowl of miso soup
- 1 chawamushi
- 2 pieces of tempura
- a slice of orange

For dinner @ foodcourt
- chicken ipoh hor fun

Pills:
Utrogestron vaginally x 2 time a day
Duphaston x 2 times a day
Folic
Baby Aspirin
Vitamin C
Vitamin E
Fish Oil

Its time for my 2 pekingese dogs to be groomed, sending them to the groomer's instead of doing it myself this time. Dont want to be exerting myself in a forward bend position for extended duration.

My daughter's potty training is coming along quite successfully, she is able to indicate her desire to pee in the potty now. :)

As for me, I am doing ok. Just feeling really chubby from all the stress eating lately. In fact, i have put on 2.5kgs (5 pounds) over a short 1.5 months. Need to watch my intake.. my plan will be to monitor very closely my food intake over the next week and modify the unhealthy part and try to improvise it a healthier, less glutton-driven diet.

beta doubling time

My 2nd blood test result is 611. My doubling time is 34hours. My progesterone level is 550 or 17.5. My beta doubling time is faster than the average doubling time.
I feel very consoled and assured now.

Here is a link that helps calculate how many heartbeats has your child taken so far.
From the link, my 20 days old embryo's heart will start beating in 2 days time.
http://www.ehd.org/pregnancy-heartbeat-calculator.php

I am sitting at Delifrance cafe's computer terminal at kkivf right now as I am typing this. Went for my beta hcg blood test and progesterone test this morning. I should know if my beta is doubling nicely or not by 2pm later today. KK hospital is one place that you can see many preggies around, I look at these women as very fortunate people... how successful they are as a woman to be able to carry that big tummy and how their chubbiness is so acceptable. I hope I will be blessed with a growing belly and a healthy pregnancy. It will be fun to be rolly polly and to walk like a duckie again.

I feel that. ..like education graduation... career advancement...marriage... pregnancy is also itself a very rewarding milestone. Now that i am a mother of 1 sweet girl and mother-to-be to one unborn little bean in my tummy..I am already feeling like the most fortunate woman on the planet. When i was younger, I always asked myself what is the meaning of life... I stopped asking myself that when i became a mother... from that very moment on.. the meaning becomes clear.

Will I do IVF again for a third child? I cannot rule that out yet. It is a possibility in the future. But lets not think about it now. Lets just have good thoughts about my ongoing pregnancy now.... good vibes to you little unborn child..... good vibes to you...

Worry Toad

My joy was quickily stained with fear.
I try to encourage myself to think only positive thoughts but deep inside.. i am so scared out of my wits right now ... remembering my previous miscarriage experience and worrying like crazy if the same shit will happen to me again. I guess that makes me a scarred woman.

Everything worries me, right now, my ceasarian scar is itching and i wonder why is that so.

Tomorrow morning, i am going to get my blood drawn again and have my doubling time checked. I need to get a grip and not fear so much.

I read somewhere that an indication of possible miscarry, other than sign of bleeding... is a slow doubling time. A low starting beta is common and does not indicate anything bad... I am trying to pacify myself real hard with these information. In fact, I consulted a gynae and he told me not to interpret too much of beta hcg level in such early stages.. and that one beta level test does not tell anything much.


Initially i was really hoping for twins.. but now , with my not very high beta levels of 231.. all i want is a healthy baby that i can give birth to.

That will be perfect to me... 1 healthy unborn child waiting to pop out of oven 9 months from now.

Beta Blood Test Result in

I am officially pregnant. :) BFP

The beta blood test confirms it.

My beta level is 231 on 18day past retreival.

My beta level is not super high but its not low enough to have my clinic worrying too.

I am sure 1 embryo implanted.

So my next appointment with the clinic is for my 6 week scan scheduled early november.

Since i am such a worry toad, I will definitely be going to get my blood checked again for consistent doubling time in the next few days. Really hope this pregnancy is viable and wont slip away from me.

Blood Test 's tomorrow!

i called up my ivf clinic to bring forward my beta blood test by one day. So tomorrow morning (16dp2dt) , i will be doing my blood test at kkivf and should know my beta level by 2pm the same day. I am praying for a high beta level.

After the blood test, i plan to take the shuttle bus to bugis junction and walk across to the national library to spend some time browsing the wide wide collections of books. I really enjoy our libraries for its great selection of books, updated facilities and nice cozy atmosphere.

There is this great website full of beta information, www.betabase.info .

And for detailed information on embryo development, its www.visembryo.com .

I have craving for certain dishes.. like xiao long bao with lots of vinegar dips, lor mee with lots of vinegar, kway chap with the sourish chilli... Yum yum. In fact i have been eating alot and i feel like a piggy now. The fact my digestive system seem to have gone a strike isnt helping much too.

Oh, i peed on another stick for the fun of it just now. The second line became visible immediately... :) I have a new found love with pee sticks.

So relieved but still in a daze

I kept wondering what i was going to blog about should this time be a bfn. So much so that i havent thought of what i am going to write if i get a bfp. I am very very happy to be an example of how rewards can come later in the game. (For my case, after a miscarriage and 2 previous bfn) So my dear readers who are trying multiple IVF times and to those who are facing an obstacle during your IVF process or those of you who been dealt with the bfn card... Please do not give up.... there is always hope and its aint over till the fat lady sings.

Now that I have 'graduated' from the hpt test. My next target is to get a good beta doubling time and look forward to my first six week's scan. I am very hopeful but also scared as now that i have graduated to a next stage.. there are new stages to aim for and new targets to reach in this nine months journey to birthing of the child.

Right now, I just want to immerse myself in this lovely ambience of bfp. I just want to enjoy every moment of it. I have waited for this day and i want to embrace it.

Hugs to every readers and every lovely soul that left comments on my blog. You are an additional strength to me to reach this stage.

I get to put a pregnancy ticker finally!

Finally...... BFP!

I woke up with a jolt at 4am this morning. I dreamt that all the pee sticks went negatives on me and I sat in the car crying my lungs out.



I sheepishly crawl out of bed and walked into the bathroom to use the last remaining digital pregnancy test (2 in a box). The first one that i used registered ' negative' a couple of days back.



I peed and waited and waited and 2 minutes later. What i saw made me pinched myself to be sure i am truly awake and not dreaming.......... This is what i see. " PREGNANT" , BFP!!!



YEAH!!!!! My long awaited BFP is here. Thank you God...thank you with all my heart.

Comfort eating

I did 2 more home pregnancy tests and they are still positive at the moment. My emotions are all over the place today. One moment i am almost certain im pregnant, and next a deep sense of lost.

Food and prayer was what kept me going today. I ate at Din Tai Fung for lunch. I had fried rice, dan dan noodles, 2 cold dishes and 1 basket of xiao long bao (shared with my hubby).

For dinner, i ate curry fish head, fried small squid and kai lan vegetables with big bowl of rice.

Tonight, i will try to sleep well. I shall leave here with the serenity prayer which i thought is very meaningful at moments like this;

Deja vu

Deja vu. There are 2 lines, but inconclusive.

Had the same experience roughly around the same time during the previous 2ww.

In case you would like to know what i am talking about.

http://ivfsingapore.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-blog-was-really-meant-to-have-fairy.html

Please dont be happy for me yet. I beg that you pray for me instead.

I am very stressed out right now. I did one yesterday ( the bottom one) and did one again early this morning. Both of them are different brands. The one i did yesterday was much darker line than the one I did today.

A few things can happen:

1. I am not pregnant. The pregnyl is wearing off since today is 3 days after my 1000unit low dose booster shot.

2. I am pregnant. The pregnyl is wearing off faster than my beta hcg can climb.

3. Its 2 different brands and may have different minimum detection level, so the tone of the lines cannot be interpreted at all.

I 'feel' pregnant' this round. I have a good feeling of it. But I cant help being very cautious for the sake of self preservation.

Conclusion is : I am very miserable now. Today is the hardest day of the entire IVF cycle.

i bought HPT

i did it. i went out and bought those peesticks..